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The WEEKEND Report |
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Fiscal Stimulus Package To Help Americans Pay Foreclosure Fees
WASHINGTON D.C.—President Bush and House leaders hope that the recent $150 billion fiscal stimulus package will help the nation’s weak economy and struggling Americans who are finding it harder and harder to pay their bills. February 8, 2008
Hillary Clinton Scheduled To Cry At 5 PM Friday Before Nevada Primary
Las Vegas , NV—A spokesperson for Hillary Clinton announced plans today for the junior senator from New York to cry in a question and answer session before voters on Friday at 5 p.m. The session is said to be an attempt to "soften" the edges of Mrs. Clinton January 17, 2008Bush Reportedly Signs Deal To Rewrite History Book Washington, DC—A spokesman for Harper Collins announced today that President Bush has signed on to rewrite history in a book that will more favorably look back on his administration. January 10, 2008
State Of Iowa Set To Return To Insignificance Following Thursday's Caucuses
Des Moines, IA—Citizens of the state of Iowa were preparing late Wednesday to once again become one of the most insignificant states in the union as their caucus quickly approaches. January 2, 2008
Area Man's Eerily Vague Horoscope "Right On The Money"
Fort Worth, TX—Local bartender Josiah Martin was seriously creeped out Monday when his daily horoscope almost captured the turmoil going on in his life. November 8, 2007
Halloween Costume Gives Area Man Chance To Get Laid
Euless, TX—Area man Brent Billkroft is looking forward to next Wednesday night's Halloween festivities because he claims this is the "best chance he has of getting laid all year." October 25, 2007
Bush Willing To Leave Unhealthy Children Behind
Washington, DC—President Bush modified his "No Child Left Behind" policy late Friday claiming he was now willing to leave unhealthy kids behind. A spokesman for the president, Dana Perino, said that the president feels that if a kid is sick or needs help from the government to pay for health care costs it is in the best interest of the nation to "cut our losses with that dead weight." October 10, 2007
General Patreus Unsubscribes From MoveOn.org Email List
Baghdad, Iraq—Four Star General David Petraeus formally ended his association with MoveOn.org early Monday after reading a mass emailing describing the top commander in Iraq as General Betrayus. Petraeus scrolled down the incendiary mass email chronicling the organizations putrid hatred for the general. September 20, 2007
Stalker Finally Wins Over Object Of His Obsession
Power Ball Lottery Winner Claims He Will Continue To Be A Unemployed Redneck
Conroe , TX—Recent mega-millionaire Rodney Harris says his recent Power Ball lottery win is not going to change him. Harris, who has been unemployed since the turn of the century, matched 5 numbers and hit the power ball in the 345 million dollar lottery that was the fourth largest lottery win in the United States.
Source: Alberto Gonzales Aims To Rise To Top Of Prepaid Legal Pyramid Following Resignation
Washington, DC—An anonymous source close to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales claims the nation's top cop is planning on returning to the private sector as an "associate" of Prepaid Legal. Gonzales cites an "amazing opportunity" with a chance for "rapid advancement" as his reasons for joining the pyramid scheme.
Bully Gearing Up For New School Year of "Beating Ass"
Car Salesman "Doesn't Normally Do This" For Most Area Men
North Richland Hills , TX—Honda car salesman Thomas Hornley offered a "smoking deal" on window tinting to local resident Kyle Wedland that Hornley claims he normally doesn't offer to most prospective buyers. July 12, 2007
Stalker Disappointed Google Earth Fails To Offer Better View Of Ex-Girlfriend's House
Bedford, TX—Area stalker Kurt Gibbons was disappointed late Wednesday night when he discovered that Google Earth only gave a "partial view" of his ex-girlfriend's home. Gibbons, who has been estranged from his former girlfriend, Michelle Corbins, for nearly two years, was hoping to get a "full on full frontal view"
Poll: Only 26% Of Bush's Immediate Family Approve Of How He's Handling Family Chores
Washington, DC—A recent Bush family poll reveals the president has fallen to a record low approval rating within his own family regarding his personal chores. The poll, taken by daughter Jenna, confirmed that most of the people within Bush's immediate family feel he has reneged on promises. June 21, 2007
Alanis Morissette's Engagement Ends, Angst Filled Male Bashing Album Soon To Follow
Beverly Hills, CA—A spokesman for Alanis Morissette, who made her name with poignant angry songs about wrecked relationships, said today that the rocker is planning a new album coming on the heels of her recent breakup with her fiancé Ryan Reynolds. June 14, 2007
Paris Hilton To Pen Memoir About Three Day Hell Behind Bars
Beverly Hills, CA—Paris Hilton's spokesman, Elliot Mintz, announced today that the party heiress plans to detail her trying three days in prison in a new book that will be released soon. Mintz claims Hilton considered the idea as she "rotted away in her own personal hell" in a Los Angeles country prison. June 7, 2007Area Stoner Finds Enough Change In Couch Cushion To Buy Taco
Denton, TX —UNT six year senior Paul Blevins scored nearly $1.29 in change after he rummaged through a friend's couch in order to buy a monster taco from Jack in the Box. May 31, 2007
Rosie O'Donnell Goes 8 Minutes Without
Offending Anyone
Hurricane Harbor To Be Renamed "Hey, I Just Pissed On You"
Arlington, TX—In a move to become more forthcoming about their business, Texas entertainment chain Hurricane Harbor has announced plans to rename their establishment, "Hey, I just pissed on you" (HIJPOY). May 17, 2007
Local Library Reportedly Doubles As Nerd Meat Market
Fort Worth , TX—The Weekend Report recently went undercover in local Fort Worth libraries to discover what many are calling a disturbing trend: Nerds meeting and fostering a romantic relationship in our very own libraries. May 10, 2007
Local Weatherman Has Storm In His Pants
Fort Worth , TX—NBC's David Finfrock reportedly had a strong storm in his pants Wednesday evening as the local weatherman reported on the storms occurring outside. Sources at NBC and numerous viewers witnessed Finfrock allegedly "getting a boner" May 3, 2007
Man Scores NPR Coffee Mug For $280
Haltom City , TX—Local NPR listen Todd McChesney was thrilled Monday after scoring an NPR coffee mug following his $280 contribution to KERA. McChesney has long sought to acquire such a mug but until Monday had failed to net the prize.
Alberto Gonzales Prepares To Spend More Time With His Family
Washington, DC—An anonymous source inside the White House claims that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is strongly considering taking serious steps to start spending more time with his family. April 18, 2007 ull Text
Fortune Cookie Lottery Numbers Fail To Net Jackpot
Dubuque, IA—Longtime lottery player Gwen Deutmeyer continued her losing lottery streak Wednesday after her fortune cookie lottery numbers only netted her one number in the weekly drawing. April 11, 2007
Area Man Convinced Massage Nearly Culminated In "Happy Ending"
Hurst, TX—Hurst resident Scott Morrow told friends he nearly scored a "happy ending" at a local massage parlor but claims the female massage therapist was "scared off the move" after she heard a noise right outside the door of the massage room.
Woman Convinced Green Beer Makes Her Drunker
Edgecliff, TX—Small town girl, Jenni Dunham, eagerly anticipated her green beer consumption during Saturday night's St. Patrick's Day festivities. Ms. Dunham, a third year Tarrant County Community College freshman March 22, 2007 Area Man Excited To Receive Religious Pamphlet Right Outside Jamba Juice
Fort Worth, TX—Local resident Kevin Dell was thrilled late Wednesday when he was presented with a complimentary religious pamphlet chronicling the rapture and the eternal cost of failing to accept Jesus as one's personal savior. March 8, 2007 CNN Announces Plans To Become ANN
Atlanta, GA —CNN, one of the leading 24-hour cable news networks, announced plans today to become ANN, the Anna Nicole Network, named after Anna Nicole Smith, the former Playboy Playmate and TRIMSPA spokesperson who recently died in her hotel room at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida.February 22, 2006P & G Announces Line Of Diapers For Stalkers
Cincinnati, OH —Procter & Gamble, the #1 maker of household products, has decided to create a line of adult diapers using its Pampers brand. The recent story involving an astronaut charged with attempted murder created a national sensation and the company took notice. February 14, 2006
Huey Lewis Finds Entire Life's Work In 25 Cent Discount Bin
Albuquerque, NM—Former rock and roll legend Huey Lewis sank into a deep depression late Monday after he discovered what amounted to his entire life's work in the discount bin at The Music Exchange in downtown Albuquerque. January 25, 2007
Alabama Schools To Teach De-evolution
Montgomery, AL—Governor Bob Riley announced today that schools in Alabama will begin teaching de-evolution as an alternative to the current federal curriculum of teaching some evolution. "We clearly have seen no signs of evolution here in the great state of Alabama," admitted the governor. January 11, 2007
Imaginary Friend Reported Missing Report: Secretary Of Labor Applies For Seasonal Help At Local Gap Washington, DC— Labor Secretary Elaine L. Chao made attempts earlier this month to secure seasonal help at a local Washington, DC Gap clothing store. Choa filled out the application in hopes of "getting a foot in the door". December 21, 2006
Area Man Actually Convinced He Can Turn Lesbian Straight
Fort Worth, TX—Bar patrons were surprised on Saturday when local resident Robert Hamlin proudly proclaimed he could turn longtime lesbian Rachel Saunders straight. The two Pier One employees attended an informal happy hour party at The Red Goose in downtown Ft. Worth December 14, 2006
Screenplay Writer Uses Latest Script To Break Up With Fiancé
Wilmington, NC—Aspiring writer Cliff Calhoun ended a nearly four year relationship on Wednesday by asking his fiancé to read the final draft of his screenplay Separate Lives. The screenplay chronicles the lives of two college sweethearts who eventually drift apart after the male protagonist admits to repeatedly cheating on his fiancé of 2 years. November 30, 2006
Rush Limbaugh Lambastes Do Nothing Democratic Congress For Lack Of Progress
"It's been nearly 48 hours since the Democrats have gained control and they have done virtually nothing," claims conservative talk show host. November 16, 2006
Study: Vegetables Cause Loss Of Appetite In 3 Year Old Children
Baltimore, MD—A recent study by scientists at Johns Hopkins University have conclusively linked appetite loss in 3 year old children to vegetables . The ongoing study, which was conducted for nearly 40 years, November 2, 2006
Local Area Man Moves To Avoid Being Subject
Of Future Fake News Stories
Willy Nilly Name Decision Regrettable To New Parents
Ft. Worth, TX—It’s been 11-weeks since 7 pound, six ounce William Mark Nilly was born at Harris Methodist Hospital. The young parents, Stan and Mary Nilly, are finally getting 6 solid hours of sleep per night. Little William or “Willy” as his Grandparents on his mother's side. October 12, 2006
9th Caller and Winner Of Rodeo Tickets Also Caller 1-8
Fort Worth, TX—Years of frustration came to an end Thursday night for avid trivia buff Bill Booker. Booker was the 9th caller to radio station 95.9 The Ranch netting the coveted prize of two general admission tickets to the Fort Worth Rodeo.
Varicose Veins Roadmap To Mom's Former Hotness
Highland Park , TX—Lori Weston used to be beautiful. The former Miss Texas runner-up in 1989 would literally stop men in their tracks. September 28, 2006
Toilet Seat Left Down, Pissed On
Plano, TX—Months of negotiations with seven year old Owen Nelson to "put the toilet seat down" after relieving himself came to an abrupt halt early this week as the boy finally complied with family wishes. September 21, 2006
Man Buys New Laptop to Satiate YouTube Addiction
Hurst, TX—Like most Americans, Timothy Prewitt relies on the internet for work and pleasure nearly every day. But since the conception of YouTube.com in December of 2005, Prewitt finds it too difficult to keep up with the 60,000 videos uploaded to the site each day on his simple desktop computer. September 14, 2006
Katie Couric Admits Crystal Meth Real Reason For Quick Slim-Down
Earlier this week CBS acknowledged Katie Couric was dramatically slimmer in a promotional picture that appeared in Watch!, the network’s promotional magazine. August 31, 2006
Local Couple to Undergo Trial Separation of Joint Email Account
Hurst, TX —Yesterday Rebecca and Bradley Donaldson, both 25, shocked family and friends when they announced that they are attempting a trial separation of their joint email account. August 25, 2006
Area "After Parties" Ruined After Capture Of Mexican Drug Lord
Dallas, TX—Word spread quickly Wednesday through the party scene of Dallas regarding the potentially limited supply of party goods for upcoming "after parties." August 17, 2006
Joe Lieberman Urges Democratic Party To Concede To Republicans Now "We can't even beat ourselves," claims defeated three term Senator.
Washington, DC—Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman strongly urged his fellow Democrats to "throw in the towel" in November against the Republicans after Lieberman was defeated Tuesday in his own Democratic Primary. August 10, 2006
Israel Targets Hezbollah's "Lethal Weapon"
Malibu, CA— Another morning started with the piercing sounds of air raid sirens as Israel stepped up its effort to cripple Hezbollah. The target, not Southern Lebanon, but Southern California. A barrage of smart bombs were dropped on the Mel Gibson's palatial estate in Southern California. August 3, 2006
Woman Disappointed To Find That Secret Family Spaghetti Sauce Really Just Ragu
Weatherford, TX—Bethany Wilson sank into a depression Monday after receiving news from her 93 year old grandmother that the family's "Special Spaghetti Sauce" is really just canned sauce. July 27, 2006
"Less" Is The Call For Carson Daly
Hollywood, CA —The MTV VJ turned Last Call talk show host Carson Daly is best known for his ability to change personality, mannerisms, and sometimes even sex or race with a chameleon-like grace according to the guest on his show. July 20, 2006
Only Man To Show Up At Movie Dressed As
Pirate Feels Like An Arrrrrrrse
Expectant Parents Plan To Treat Family Dog The Same Even After First Baby Arrives
Murphy, TX—First time parents -to-be, John and Tanya Robinette, publicly announced that they fully intend to treat their family dog, Cloe, exactly as she has always been treated even after the birth of their new baby. July 6, 2006
David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar To Mediate Palestinian/Israeli Peace Talks
Gaza City, Gaza Strip—As tensions escalate over Sunday's capture of Israeli soldier, Cpl. Gilad Shalit, by Hamas' military wing and two affiliated groups, and Israel's subsequent military incursion into Gaza, Israel and Palestine are at the brink of all-out war.
Beer Induced Low Self Esteem Prompts Man To Order Ab Roller From Infomercial
Wautaga, TX—After drinking nearly a case of beer, Wautaga resident William "Billbo" Foster took drastic steps to get back into shape after he realized he was slowly becoming more and more slovenly due to his excessive drinking habit.
Bush Proposes Constitutional Amendment Banning Same Sex Bathrooms
Washington, DC—In a bold election year move, the Bush Administration hinted that it may pursue an effort to push Congress to draft a law banning same sex bathrooms. Anonymous sources inside the White House claim that this is an effort by the the Bush team to galvanize a dwindling conservative base by linking same sex bathrooms to homosexuality. June 8, 2006
Local Area Man Constantly Bringing Up "Threesome"
Fort Worth, TX—Brad Rankin, a mechanic by day and a volunteer fireman by night, can’t seem to stop himself from talking about his latest sexual escapade with two other women. Mr. Rankin recently had his first “threesome” and feels compelled to share the experience with everyone he meets. June 1, 2006
New Study Shows Significant Increase In New Studies
Washington, DC—A new study just released by the Institute for New Studies (INFS) shows a dramatic increase in new studies. The cause for the increase is being studied by the Institute for New Studies in a new study dubbed, “Cause for New Study Increase” (CFNSI).
Verizon Announces "NSA-Free" Service Plan
Trenton, NJ —In response to a nationwide backlash for giving phone records to the National Security Agency for a secret surveillance program, Verizon recently announced plans to offer an “NSA-Free” service plan for it’s customers. May 18, 2006
Prince Fan Continues to Party Like It's
1999
Angelina Jolie Accidentally Adopts Herself
Namibia, Africa—In what can only be considered an eventual inevitability, Angela Jolie tried unsuccessfully to adopt herself. On her latest trip to Africa, “the cradle of human kind" according to Jolie, a pregnant and recently voted ‘most beautiful person alive,’ was moved to tears by what she saw in the local media. May 4, 2006
Health Conscious Stoner Only Has Organic Food Munchies Denton, TX—Kevin Donohue knows he's getting older and that his metabolism wasn't what it use to be. He use to be a college tennis player, but now spends his days working as a landman for an oil company. When he gets home he immediately proceeds to playing a game of SoCom on his PSP and smoking a joint. April 27, 2006
25th High School Reunion Prompts Man To Rent Really Cool Sports Car
Richardson, TX—An impending 25th high school reunion coupled with intense pressure to impress his former peers prompted Terry Van Burkem to rent a Porche 911 Carerra last weekend as he prepared to attend the golden anniversary of his graduation from high school.
Area Podcaster Abandons Show After Fourth Installment
Stephenville, TX—Local podcaster, Cary Fraser, admitted to his entire listening audience of 8 people that he really didn't have much else to talk about after completing his fourth installment of his weekly show. April 13, 2006
Full Text
Sick Man Pleads:
"Stop Praying For Me!"
Scranton, PA |
Terror Alert Remains Elevated: No One Cares
Washington D.C. —The current terror-alert has remained at a steady “elevated” status for almost a year now and no one seems to care. The yellow-coded alert, symbolic for a “significant risk of terrorist attacks,” has remained unchanged since July of 2005.
MySpace Friend Upset Over Falling Out Of "Top 8"
Arlington, TX —While surfing the Internet at work, Tracey Simms, a senior analyst in the payroll department of a major engineering company, was horrified to find out that she had recently been removed from a friend’s “Top 8” on MySpace.
President Bush Loses Big Binder That Explains How U.S. Government Works
Washington, D.C.—An anonymous source inside the White House claims that President Bush has misplaced a binder that is essentially his Cliff Note version of how the government operates. March 16, 2006
Study Proves World
Revolves Around Teenager
Black Hills, SD—Mount Rushmore's only liberal sent word last week to the state of South Dakota that he wanted his face to be immediately removed from the presidential mountain shrine. March 2, 2006
FEMA Urges Mardi Gras Attendees To Show Tits In Exchange For $2,000 Debit Cards
New Orleans, LA—The Department of Homeland Security has approved plans recently to require the victims of Hurricane Katrina to flash officials in order to secure $2,000 debit cards that have been promised by the federal government.
Cheney Wounds Lawyer, Finally Passes Gang Initiation
Kennedy County, Texas—News spread quickly throughout the country that Vice President Dick Cheney had wounded close friend and lawyer Harry Whittington during a weekend hunting trip. February 16, 2006
Group Declares Jihad Over Being
Accused Of Liking To Declare Jihad
Punxsutawney Phil Forecasts 6 More Weeks Of Global Warming
Punxsutawney, PA—Prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil walked out of his hole early Thursday to nearly 48 degree temperatures and quickly predicted at least 6 more weeks of global warming. "Holy shit, it's hot out here," claimed a bathing suit clad Phil. February 2, 2006
President Bush Found Outside Pam Anderson's House With Binoculars
Silicon Valley,CA— Celebrity Pamela Anderson returned to her upscale home after a night of partying to find that she wasn't really alone as she undressed for bed. She glanced outside of her bedroom window and saw an old guy leering back at her through binoculars. Anderson immediately called the police. January 27, 2006
Pat Robertson Apologizes For Future Dumb Ass Comment
Portsmouth, Virginia —Pat Robertson, host of Christian Broadcasting Network's The 700 Club and founder of the Christian Coalition of America, has once again come under fire for comments made on his television show. January 20, 2006
Moderate Congressman To Be Put On Endangered Species List
Washington, DC—In a shocking move, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service took drastic steps early this week to move Independent Congressman Bernie Sanders on to the list of federally protected wildlife. January 12, 2006
Woman Abandons New Year's Resolutions After 4 Days
Fort Worth, TX—Citing stress and a lack of sleep, Fort Worth native Nancy Lange, broke the last of her New Year's resolutions late Wednesday night when she ate an entire pint of Hagen Daz ice cream at 10:30 p.m. January 5, 2006
Kringle Arrested On Gang Charges
Dallas, TX — Late last week, during the annual Lake Highlands Elementary School holiday gathering, Dallas Police arrested and charged Kristopher Kringle, otherwise known as Santa Claus with numerous crimes, including breaking and entering as well as racketeering and animal cruelty. December 27, 2005
Pedro Loses Bid for Re-Election
Romantic Holiday Carriage Ride Ruined When Horse Takes Giant Shit
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