VOLUME 5  ISSUE 24

6 SEPTEMBER 2007
 

TOP STORY

 

IN THE NEWS

  
 

Power Ball Lottery Winner Claims He Will Continue To Be A Unemployed Redneck

 

Conroe, TX—Recent mega-millionaire Rodney Harris says his recent Power Ball lottery win is not going to change him.  Harris, who has been unemployed since the turn of the century, matched 5 numbers and hit the power ball in the 345 million dollar lottery that was the fourth largest lottery win in the United States.  He shares the pot with three other winners.  After the win, he says that he will continue to remain unemployed and has not intention of becoming part of "that upper society bullshit." 

 

"Now that I've won this money I really don't have to get a job," a drunk Harris exclaimed while watching NASCAR.  "Finally the pressure is off of me and I can just sit back and start drinking some Pabst Blue Ribbon without a care in the world."

 

The win pleasantly surprised Harris' friends and family whom have been alternatively supporting the 38 year old for nearly a decade.    It seems now many are waiting for the Conroe resident to return the favor.

 

"I always thought he was completely worthless but now I have to reconsider," admitted his brother Reggie.  "Finally, I am going to be paid back for all the times I let him borrow some of my food stamps.  This is really exciting for all of us."

 

Harris, who will net nearly 65 million dollars after taxes goes on to say that he doesn't plan to change his life too drastically.  He intends to purchase the trailer home he is currently renting and he will trade in his bus pass to purchase a new Ford 150 pickup truck.

 

"I'm going to stay the same guy," confesses Harris.  "I may indulge a little every Friday by taking my gal, Sheila, to the Dairy Queen but other than that when people see me they will have no idea that I'm as rich as I am.  Unless, of course, they piss me off.  Then I'll let them know I have fuck you money."

 

For The Love of God, Please Stop Bringing Me Phone Books!

  

Dallas, TX—It was just another Tuesday for Brad Hannigan.  He woke up at 7:28 a.m., two minutes before his alarm was set to go off, showered, grabbed a cup of coffee and a Slim Fast breakfast bar and was headed out the door.  Everything at work was normal that day as well.  Things were going great for Brad until he returned home. 

 

“I stepped out of my car, grabbed my briefcase and headed up my sidewalk.  That’s when I saw them,”  Hannigan explained.

 

The “them” Mr. Hannigan was referring to was more new phone books; four of them to be exact. 

 

“Oh, for the love of God, please stop bringing me phone books!”  Mr. Hannigan thought his internal monologue had said.  It wasn’t his internal monologue at all.  Mr. Hannigan actually screamed that sentence at the top of his lungs. 

 

He screamed so loud his neighbors came out to see what the problem was.  Mr. Wilkins, his neighbor to the east ran outside so fast he actually tripped over several stacks of phone books that he had yet to take inside from the last three rounds of phone book deliveries.  The two men struck up a conversation.  It wasn’t the normal awkward, forced neighbor conversation they normally had.  This time they had a common enemy, the phone companies. 

 

“Jesus Christ, how many freakin’ phone books do they think we need?”  Mr. Wilkins exclaimed.  “Tell me about it.” Mr. Hannigan responded.  “If I threw away the damn book after every time I used it I would still have nine in my office.  Haven’t these phone book people ever heard of the internet?  Nobody needs a phone book anymore.” 

 

The two men were soon joined by the neighbor across the street who chimed in, “Who the hell still uses the phone book, every number I need is programmed into my cell phone,”  Mr. Marks chuckled.  “Oh, and if I do need a number that’s not in my phone say for like a lawn service of tree trimming or maid, I just grab it off my door knob from one of the hundreds of flyers stuck on there.” 

 

All three men laughed a little longer than they should have until the laughter was met by the usual uncomfortable silence that ended all of their conversations.  The three men spent the next several minutes gathering up the new phone books from their porch and disappearing into their homes. 

 

Matthew McConaughey Spotted With Shirt On

Los Angeles, CA—In a weird twist of events, actor and sex symbol Matthew McConaughey was randomly seen with his shirt on outside of a local In & Out Burger yesterday afternoon.  A clearly healthy and alert looking McConaughey was just about to step into the famed fast food place when he was spotted.

YouTube has lit up as many people around the world were trying to catch their first glimpse of him with actual clothes on.

"It's just mind boggling," said fan Mia Jones.  "He actually new how to put
the shirt on, too.  I at least thought it would be awkward for him."

Nevertheless, McConoaughey's publicist, Ms. Nameless said that this will probably open up a whole new niche in the actors arsenal.

"Now that the public knows he can put on a shirt," she said, "Roles are going to be more frequent for him."

On past movies that he had previously starred McConaughey has had over 14 dressers to assist him with wearing shirts.

That still didn't explain the incident at the In & Burger.

"The sign said 'No shirt, No Service' and I really wanted a burger," said the actor.  "I was high again and playing my bongos and I got the munchies."

The actor assured everyone that he will be shirtless many more times in the future and that this was just a freak occurrence.

 

Friend's $600 Montblanc Pen Doesn't Have That "$600 Feel"

 Mesa, AZ—Kevin Hamplin had been eyeing a potential purchase for nearly three days when fate tipped the scales in favor of Mr. Hamplin.  Hamplin, an ATT Phone consultant, was thrilled late Friday when he received word that he had earned a quarterly bonus of nearly $600.  To celebrate the find, Mr. Hamplin decided against investing and instead used his stipend to purchase a new $600 Montblanc Pen.  On Monday, he found himself questioning the purchase to his fellow ATT co-workers.

 

"This surely doesn't feel like a $600 pen," confessed Hamplin.  "I mean, don't get me wrong.  It's nice.  It just doesn't have that $600 feel to it."

 

When Hamplin was pressed as to what that "feel" might be he couldn't come up with a concrete answer.

 

"I was just expecting more," admitted Hamplin.  "Maybe they should have a naked lady on it or something so that I have something to look at when I write.  That might make it worth a little bit more."

 

Friends were shocked by Hamplin's extravagance.  Many were surprised that he could come up with that kind of money without first placing the product on lay-a-way.

 

"What a douche!" an irate Rob Dillard exclaimed.  "That son-of-a-bitch still owes me $20 from Memorial Day and here he is going out buying a $600 pen.  I can't believe he would do that to me."

 

However, Hamplin does not feel that the purchase is an extravagant one.  He defends the purchase by stating he feels "that it is an image thing that will help him at work" and could potentially put him in line for a promotion.

 

"What kind of f**ked up logic is that?" an inquisitive Dillard said.  "A pen is not going to move you up the corporate ladder.  But giving me my $20 back will get me that much closer to scoring a new bag of weed."

 

For Hamplin's part, he's considering taking the pen back and applying the store credit to a $1,000 pen.  He claims that a $1,000 pen will definitely feel like a $1,000 pen.

 

Karl Rove Tells Group Of Kindergarten Kids There Is No Santa Claus

 

Washington, DC—Deputy Chief of Staff, Karl Rove, revealed to a group of kindergarten kids that Santa Claus didn't exist in an attempt to discredit parents who happened to be Democrats.  Rove made the assertion to prove to the children that their parents lie to them and that nothing they say can be trusted.

 

"It's important that these kids know who they are dealing with," says Mr. Rove.  "These parents will do anything in their power to deceive these young children and Santa Claus is just one way they are doing so."

 

 

 

 

 

 

•  showtimes  •  bios  •  corporate entertainment  •  press  •  training center  •  4 day creative  •

 •  news •  films  •  weekend report  •  podcast  •  clip of the week  •  merchandise  •  archives •