Varicose Veins Roadmap To Mom's Former Hotness

Highland Park, TX—Lori Weston used to be beautiful.  The former Miss Texas runner-up in 1989 would literally stop men in their tracks.  Now 17 years, a marriage and two children later, Mrs. Weston is now sliding comfortably into her middle-aged years as she performs household chores and reminisces about her glory days.  To recall the memories all she has to do is look down at her legs that are peppered with Varicose Veins.

"I used to be smoking hot," Weston brags.  "I could get anything I ever wanted from guy just by batting my eyes.  That's how I got Gary.  I used my body to get what I wanted."

Football star Gary Weston was smitten upon first seeing Lori Horton at a fraternity function at Texas Tech University.  The two immediately made eye contact and were "really macking down on each other" almost instantly. 

"The first time I saw her I couldn't keep my hands off of her." admits Mr. Weston.  "She was so gorgeous.  I would get butterflies in my stomach every time I saw her."

The Weston's courtship lasted nearly a six months before Lori became pregnant after having sex in a church parking lot.  That prompted the two to marry and soon after Gary began complaining that Lori had "let herself go."

"Right after Lori got pregnant and had our first kid she stopped caring.  Then the second kid came and she completely jumped the shark.  She's gained a lot of weight and he legs are pretty jacked up.  I look at those legs and they pretty much tell the tale."

Lori Weston also looks at her legs and wonders what might have been had she not gotten pregnant nearly 16 years ago.

"I really wish that night would have never happened," Mrs. Weston admits.  "Gary and I were coming to an end and I really think I could have gotten Tech's quarterback to go out with me that year.  He had been eyeing me all semester."

Porn Tape Moved To Garage As In-Laws Visit Looms

Austin, TX—Eric Gossage began preparing Monday for the impending visit by his in-laws by moving his favorite porn tape to the garage.  The move marked the beginning of Gossage's ritual of purging the house of any questionable items prior to the visit.

"My in-laws are Baptist and they really wouldn't be onboard with the fact that Hillary and I use porn from time to time to spice things up," Gossage said.  "Whenever I hear that Bob and Jan are planning a visit this is the first thing that is moved.  I don't need them accidentally popping that in thinking they are going to see our wedding video and the next thing they know they are getting a preview of the honeymooon," Gossage said smiling.

Gossage grabbed the movie, Citizen Vein, Monday before leaving for work and was just about to bring it to the garage when his wife, Hillary, coyly hinted that maybe they should watch it one time before the visit.  Gossage quickly complied with her wishes and played the tape which lead to the pair being sweaty and in each other's arms.  Four minutes later the tape was then officially "put on the bench" for the next seven days.

"I really don't look forward to my in-laws visits," Gossage admitted, "but if each visit starts like this one I'd be willing for them to come here more than once a year."

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