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VOLUME 5 ISSUE 26 |
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20 SEPTEMBER 2007 |
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TOP STORY |
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IN THE NEWS |
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General Petraeus Unsubscribes From MoveOn.Org Email List
Baghdad, Iraq—Four Star General David Petraeus formally ended his
association with MoveOn.org early Monday after reading a mass emailing
"I was really outraged that a group that I chose to receive mass emails from could have that kind of contempt for me," a saddened Petraeus said. "I was really surprised by the venom that they were spewing at me and I reacted the only way I knew how to: I'm not allowing them to spam me any more."
MoveOn.org spokesman, Eli Pariser, quickly received word of the general's wishes to be removed from the organization's list and he complied with Petraeus' wishes.
"The tech staff told me that one of our 200 readers unsubscribed to our list and I looked into to see who is was. When I saw it was Petraeus I made sure to delete him and take steps to ensure that never again would he receive our E Newsletter. I also perused our master list of 200 names and removed more than 50 unwanted subscribers from our list."
Names such as Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and Scott McClellan were purged from the email list leaving the current tally and nearly 140 remaining subscribers.
Word of MoveOn.org's "Monday Morning Massacre" quickly reached Washington sending shockwaves to the 73 people who were actively following the drama.
"I am shocked that an organization that few people care about could create this kind of contempt for the soldiers in our armed forces," President Bush said. "I may have sent this men and women to fight and unwinnable war but at least I'm not calling them names. That's outrageous! Just remember the old adage: Sticks and stones may break my bones...but...but...but...the point is...you fool me...we can't get fooled again."
Woman Brings Summer To An End
Ennis, TX—Most people signify the end of summer by checking the calendar, or by the flight of migratory birds, but not in Texas. Here the beginning of fall is signified by the absence of Lula Huggins' halter top.
According to local legend, the red and yellow striped top is accurate to within a week or so. Lula, however, didn't intend for the top to be an area prognosticator.
"I bought it over to the Wal-Mart, cause I liked the price," said Lula. "I just needed something to wear to church."
Since 1986, the striped top has seen its share of weather forecasters come and go, but it has maintained a high degree of reliability.
Trip Washer explained, "One year, old Troy Dungan, the guy from Channel 8 says it's gonna be another week or so before we break our stretch of hundred degree days. Me and Cooder Woodley is sitting over to the Grab and Go, and in walks Lula in a blue blouse. Then and there I knew we were in for a cold spell, and sure enough the temperature dropped like twenty degrees that night. Me and Cooder drove to Dallas the next day and beat the hell outta old Troy, just to teach him that the weather does have consequences."
For her part, Lula says she is not a meteorologist.
"I don't even know anything about meteors. I ain't into science and stuff, you know. I just wear whatever is in front of me. Usually by late August or September, that old thing is just ready for a washing, so I don't get to wear it."
ADHD NEWS:
Penny Ends Vacuum Cleaners Assault On Dirt
Four Year Old Boy Hits Toilet While Urinating |
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3 Year
Old Goes Entire Day Without Falling Down
"I
think it was just random luck," he said while helping his daughter up who
had just fallen, leaving the streak at one day. "I mean, look, she
just rolled off the couch while watching Spongebob. That shows
she just got lucky."
Husband Unceremoniously Fixes Doorknob, Doesn’t Tell Any Family Members
Keller, TX—Keller
resident James Lolovic quietly went about his work fixing a
"This is so unlike him. Normally, any time he completes the most menial tasks he makes a production out of showing the whole family what he’s done. But not this time. I had to ask him if he fixed the bathroom doorknob. When he told me he had I nearly fell over." an amazed Linda Lolovic stated. Their two children, Mark and Melissa, were equally surprised.
"My Dad is a Grade A dork. He’s a Bob Villa want-a-be and any time that jackmunch fixes anything he has to let everyone in the house know," Mark Lolovic responded with his best teen angst impression.
James Lolovic started his task in mid-August and worked on the project for nearly ten days before finishing.
"I had a lot of time on my hands since the Rangers are so far out of first. I don’t even watch the games any more and I really don’t have anything else to do so I figured, ‘What the hell. I’ll just do it now and that way I’ll have my chores out of the way for the rest of the year.’"
When pressed as to why he kept it a secret Mr. Lolovic was quick to explain.
"I get the feeling my family really doesn’t like me so if I can eliminate the number of times I see them in a day, I’m going to do that. By making a big deal out of fixing the doorknob, which it is by the way, I'd have to listen to them tell me all the reasons that they think I'm lame, which I'm not by the way."
After making the statement Mr. Lolovic retired to the garage in socks and sandals to prepare to mow the yard.
For its part, the bathroom doorknob fell off again and now sits on the back of the toilet. Mr. Lolovic is slated to begin working on the knob again as soon as the Cowboys are out of the playoffs. |
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describing the top commander in Iraq as General Betrayus. Petraeus
scrolled down the incendiary mass email chronicling the organizations putrid
hatred for the general. Petraeus was so shaken by the vitriol that he
slumped in his chair and collected his thoughts. After regrouping,
Petraeus proceeded to "opt out" of all future email solicitations in the
hopes of avoiding further attacks.
