Stalker Finally Wins Over Object Of His Obsession

Fort Worth, TX—Years of antagonism finally paid off for Ft. Worth resident, Phil Little, when the woman he had been stalking for the past 4 years admitted that she loved him.

“I just got used to him being around all the time,” explained Shirley Jestings.  “His constant threats really frightened me in the beginning but his persistence just won me over.  I can’t tell you how many times I pepper-sprayed him or called 911, but I figured if you can’t fight them then why not join them?”

When asked to describe the nature of his stalking Mr. Little said, “Oh, you know, I would to send her letters written in my own blood, call and hang up and occasionally masturbate outside her window.  Pretty standard stuff really.”

Ms. Jestings had a restraining order placed against Mr. Little but it didn’t help.  Mr. Little isn’t sure how to feel about his newfound relationship.

“I’m glad she finally came around but I don’t know how to love someone who wants me.  I only know how to love someone who doesn’t want me.”

But Ms. Jestings is undeterred.

“Look, I’m almost 30 years old and I really need to start thinking about getting into a serious relationship and settling down.  Besides, I’m done with the bar scene.  Everyone knows you never meet anybody that you’ll spend the rest of your life with in a bar.  And I have a guy that said he would kill himself for me.  Isn’t that the kind of commitment from a man every girl wants?”

A disappointed Phil Little replied, “It’s kind of a letdown really. I guess I’ll have to find someone else to obsess over now.  It’s not going to be easy though because Shirley keeps calling me every day about going out sometime.  I’m seriously thinking about getting my number unlisted."

'Ho Shortage' Hurts Rap Music

Dallas, TX—In music news, West Coast Rapper Coolio was forced to cancel a video shoot for his newest single because of a shortage of women willing to dance wearing revealing outfits.

"They ain't no hoes here," said the rapper.  "Back out in Cali, they's hoes everywhere, but here in Texas they ain't even enough skank bitches to fill out a Brittany Spears video, and we was planning on going way past that."

Coolio is not the only rapper affected, as videos by Eminem and NWH have also been put on hold.  Music executive Ricky Marrick looks at this as part of the evolution of music.

"These fly girls, or as they are referred to in the business, 'vid-e-hoes', are soon to be an endangered species in rap videos.  It's not that the girls don't enjoy the work, it's just that when Christina pulled that look in her video for 'Dirrty', the other female performers are like 'I can be a ho, and make that money for myself' and they end up getting recording contracts of their own."

Coolio is in the middle of what he hesitates to call a 'comeback tour', and had hoped to shoot a video for the single 'Holler, Holler, Hoes Fo' A Dollar' during his stop at Next Stage in Grand Prairie.  Instead, the production will have to wait for a swing back to the west coast.

"Out there, you can't swing a stick without hitting a ho", said Coolio, adding, "And by stick, I mean penis.  I remember, back in the day you'd have a video with twenty or thirty hoes up in the crib.  Now, we lucky if we can find a few for the album cover, and even then you gotta fight Jay Z and Fifty Cent to keep 'em around for the video."

With this Coolio got wistful, as he thought back to a simpler time,.

Men Proudly Proclaim Start Of New Diet With Contest

Dallas, TX—Nine local men postured ceremoniously as they weighed themselves and took pictures and measurements of their current physiques while proclaiming loudly for anyone willing to listen, "We are all starting to work out again and going on a diet."

Physical fitness was not the only motivation.  In addition to improving their appearance, these nine men have also wagered $50 per participant in a contest for the most improved body.  The contest is set to last for eight weeks with the winner receiving the entire entrant's fees.

"I'm back, baby!" an excited Barry Calhoun yelled.  "I did three sets of ab rollers last night and I ate a can of tuna fish for dinner," Calhoun proclaimed to anyone who would listen.  

Calhoun's excitement was quelled somewhat when he was informed by his local fitness center that their records showed it had been more than a year since his last workout.

"Losing weigh and getting fit just isn't enough of a motivation me.  There has to be some monetary reward as well," confessed Calhoun after he was asked why a wager was involved.  "That's the reason I'm having everyone pony up money for a contest."

Contest participant Hank Bledsoe took a lighter tone when addressing the contest.

"I'm just trying to get in shape and look better for my wife. It's about keeping things fresh in a marriage.  The money is secondary to me," Bledsoe explained while he brandished his glass of Chardonnay.

Contestant Richard Lunas may be the most dogmatic of all of the participants.

"I am going to bring my lunch to work every day throughout this contest.  No more eating out in restaurants for me. There's no telling what they put in their food and this way I can have complete control over my carbs," Lunas explained while eating his Corner Bakery pannini sandwich.  "Today is the last day I eat out."

The contest is set to last until November 14, 2007.  Four participants have already dropped out since the contest began two days ago.

Hurst Man Discovers 51st Way To Leave His Lover

Hurst, TX—HEB resident Herb McChesney was surprised Friday when he discovered an additional way to end his longtime relationship with Valerie Pool.  This discovery came when he realized he could he could "kick her to the curb, Herb, and hope she’s not perturbed."

Spokesman for Paul Simon were pleasantly surprised by the discovery.

"Paul really felt that he had a pretty firm beat on all the ways that one could leave their respective lovers. Admittedly, he missed this one," claimed Jennifer Eads.

Mr. Simon has no intention of re-releasing the song to include the new escape route.

"I feel that song is from my past and to revisit now would lessen the organic quality of the original.  Plus, I’m really rich and there is no reason for me to put out the effort on this song," a forthcoming Simon admitted.

Herb McChesney ended his relationship with Valerie Pool by "kicking her to the curb" and he was pleasantly surprised to find that she "wasn't perturbed."  Ms. Pool proved she was less than devastated when she met a man one week after breaking up with McChesney and was married two months later.  They are expected their first child early 2008.

McChesney claims he's making his way through his "top 8" on MySpace.