Fort Worth, TX—In a new study conducted by the University of North Texas Health Science Center, scientists have proven that cordless phones are lost 65.4% of the time that they are active.  The study takes in to consideration the time the phones are shipped to stores and the average 3-week shelf life of an average 900 megahertz phone. 

“This new evidence it will shake the cordless phone industry to its core,” claims Sissy Childs of The University of North Texas Health Science Center. 

When reached for comment, the Director of Marketing for General Electric home electronic divisions said, “So, what’s the big deal?   Call it from your cell phone and follow the ring.” 

Consumer watchdogs feel this prevalent attitude among manufactures is a dangerous trend for the purchasing public. 

“It’s a slippery slope,” says Misti Callicott, Managing Editor for Consumer Reports Magazine.  “First companies ignore this scientific evidence then they feel its ok to cause cancer.” 

Always on the cutting edge of the needs of the consumer, Radio Shack promises the ’06 models of their cordless phone will come with a revolutionary new “phone retrieval system”.  

“In laymen’s terms, our new cordless phones will have a 200-foot elastic telephone tether," explains Chris Ritchey, Radio Shack’s Vice President of Research and Development.  "This will enable the user to roam freely around the house but still able to follow the tether to find it if they forget to put it back on the charger.”

The University of North Texas Health Science Center says it will apply for a new government grant in the spring of ’06 to study the new results of the tethered cordless phone.

Mansfield, TX—In what many are calling one of the most spectacular occurrences of  the new millennium, Fluffy the cat escaped death for an unprecedented 10^th  time, leading many to believe that cats may in fact have more than 9 lives.

Fluffy, a four year old minx, ran out into the middle of the street as a car, driven by a teenager, sped down the road.  Fluffy went under the car and miraculously came out the other side unscathed.

“I don’t know how the hell I didn’t hit that cat,” said the disgruntled teen, Bobby Cox, “I was aiming for it.”

Fluffy has had many close calls.  So many, in fact, that the cat’s owner, 84 year old Mirelda Gibbons, started to count.  This last incident was number 10.  Gibbons had 16 other cats, all of which have died, reportedly before ever reaching the 9 mark, which superstition holds that is the number of lives cats have.  Gibbons admits that they may have encountered losing those lives when she wasn’t around.  “My cats are idiots.”

Still, Fluffy is the one that stands out as she sits on the window ledge giving herself a bath leaving many of us to wonder if her number is 11 and if that number is about up.

Here are the previous 9 near fatal occurrences for Fluffy:

*Back stepped on by Ms. Gibbons

*Run over by Lawn Mower

*Sat on by Ms. Gibbons

*Fell out of second story window

*Sat on again by Ms. Gibbons as she watches all of “Gone With The Wind” without getting up.

*Hit by 4 BB’s by local hoodlums

*Struck by lightning

*Put in oven by Ms. Gibbons

*Left in freezer by Ms. Gibbons