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VOLUME 5 ISSUE 12 |
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3 MAY 2007 |
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TOP STORY |
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IN THE NEWS |
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Local Weatherman Has Storm In His Pants
Fort Worth,
TX—NBC's David Finfrock reportedly had a strong storm in his pants Wednesday
evening as the local weatherman reported on the storms occurring outside.
"I've never seen Dave as excited as he was on Wednesday during the storms," confessed anchor Jane McGarry. "At one point I happened to notice that he had an enormous erection as he talked about the weather. I must confess, I was a little jealous too because I've never seen him that excited to see me...or any woman for that matter."
Those closest to Finfrock confirmed that severe weather does indeed excite him and he has been known on occasion to get sexually aroused by weather threats. Finfrock's erection is said to last roughly the amount of time of the storm and it is even rumored that all of his children were conceived following severe weather.
"David is such a wildcat after a night of storms," confessed his wife Shari. "I love to see when a major storm is coming and I don't mean because my front lawn could use the rain. I know that I'm in for the most passionate night of love making that any woman could hope for. On those nights, he even takes off his glasses."
When pressed about the phenomenon, Finfrock readily admits to being aroused.
"Nothing turns me on more than an upper level disturbance," Finfrock claims. "It usually results in a lower level disturbance. I'm just glad I've trained the camera guys to pan up when it happens. Otherwise I'd have to use my junk to point to dopler radar." Computer Geek's Internet Virus Creation Fails To Yield Him Any Poontang
Boston,
MA—Virtuoso computer specialist Steven Silverstein
created what some have called the most dangerously virulent
"I didn't do this because of any other reason than to score chicks. I really thought that a woman would find it sexy that I was able to hack into these highly secure sites and take them down but no women have come forward to offer herself up to me," a surprised Silverstein stated. Silverstein, who has never been with a woman, is attempting to end his nearly 27 year sexless drought. My Revelation was created solely to off-set his pent up sexual frustration. The damage from the worm is estimated at more than $300 million. "For this kind of money, we really could have just gotten the guy a really great hooker. I wish he would have just come to us instead of causing all this havoc," cyber intelligence agent Dan Bertone stated. "I know what it's like to be a computer nerd that can't score chicks. But for God's sake, use your talents for good. Created a cyber slave chick and then live happily together in the basement of your parents house...just like I did. Frita and I are quite happy together and we didn't ruin people's lives in the process." Silverstein rebuffed the idea. "I want some real poon for a change. If that means destroying the world to get it I'll do it." Silverstein is slated to go to trial in late May. He stands to spend up to 5 years in prison for the crime. |
Revlon Hires Don Imus To Promote Hair Relaxer
New York, NY—Just
a few weeks after being fired by CBS for his insensitive remarks towards the
Rutgers women’s basketball team, Don Imus accepted an offer from the
“We’re very excited to have Don Imus be part of the Revlon team,” explained CEO Jack Stahl. “I think this is a step in the right direction for him with regards to repairing his public image.”
An embattled Mr. Imus feels that he has apologized enough and just wants to get back to work.
“I realize that what I said was inappropriate but it’s time for me to move on. Look, I’m a white guy that’s been naturally blessed with long-flowing straight hair and I think everyone should have a chance to experience what that feels like, regardless of the color of their skin.”
Even the Rev. Al Sharpton, a vocal critic of Mr. Imus, was happy to hear about the campaign.
“I’ve used Revlon’s products for years and I will continue to do so in an attempt to move forward past all of this ugliness. Hey, if my hair can relax, why shouldn’t I?”
And other prominent African-American figures like Condoleezza Rice agree.
“I’m not saying that straight hair is the only reason I became Secretary of State but it helped.”
Coffee Mug Sales Surge As Mother's Day Looms |
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Sources at NBC and numerous viewers witnessed Finfrock allegedly "getting a
boner" as he reported and continued to update the public on the severe
weather that passed through the area.
attack
on home PC's in almost ten years. The virus, called My Revelations,
slowed the internet to a standstill on Tuesday and crashed sites at both the
Pentagon and the State Department. Remarkably, the accomplishment has
failed to impress one female to give herself up to Mr. Silverstein.
