Area Stoner Finds Enough Change In Couch Cushion To Buy Taco

Denton, TX—UNT six year senior Paul Blevins scored nearly $1.29 in change after he rummaged through a friend's couch in order to buy a monster taco from Jack in the Box. Blevins, who is penniless and without a job, spent the night at the home of his longtime friend, Gary Hullart, smoking pot. After getting a serious case of "the munchies" he rooted around Hullart's couch and found enough money to satiate his hunger pangs.

"I was sooo totally hunger," confessed Blevins while downing the monster taco. "Gary's house literally had no food in it and I needed something to bogart on and I figured my best odds were to score some money out of the couch. It totally worked and this is the best f***ing taco I've ever had," claimed Blevins from the Jack in the Box drive through.

Hullart, however, was less than pleased at his friend. Hullart claimed territorial rights to the money and was upset to be "left out of the munch fest."

"That was soooo totally my money," a stoned Hullart mumbled. "I would be so mad at Blevins right now if I wasn't so stoned. Man, I'm hungry," Blevins continued as he searched through his couch cushion for a stray Cheeto.

Blevins, however, cited the "possession is nine tenths of the law" stoner rule and even went on to claim that even though he didn't pay for the marijuana technically the weed was his because it was "his guy" that scored the pot. Blevins claims he is "in the clear" with Hullart and that he will not repay him for the lost change.

Nerds Converge On Washington for National Spelling Bee

Washington, DC—School nerds (and some home schooled nerds) and their nerdy parents came in droves for the last leg of the Script's Spelling Bee competition in the nation's capitol. He’s a w-i-n-n-e-r -- 13-year-old California boy captures National Spelling Bee These nerdy students flocked to the capitol in order to spend some days among their own without any possibility of getting their asses kicked by cool kids who are busy kicking it poolside.

"It just feels great to be here without having any lockers around to be pushed into," said Oregon speller Kendrick Mitchell. The irony of Mitchell's story is that he studied the most while stuffed in a locker.

Questions swirled as the first round ended. Questions like Who's going to win? Who's going to faint? How can a home schooled kid be the nerd of the school still?

Still, you have to give credit to these kids who have sacrificed so much to be known as the greatest speller. Known only by those nerdy enough to care about being a really good speller.

None of the participants knew who won the national title even as early as five years ago. Yet, here, among the statues of the countries greatest leaders walk the future of the country. Because as the cool kids are tanning it up, these nerds are spelling their way to stardom even if it is for a short time.

After all, everything you use, everything that has been invented or thought up, has come from a nerd.

From our archives:

Porn Tape Moved To Garage As In-Laws Visit Looms

Magician Magically Makes Crowd Disappear

Las Vegas, NV—Magician Vern Sanchez pulled what his manager is claiming to be his greatest illusion. Sanchez, who has been performing magic for the last 6 years, made nearly 350 people disappear from the Magic and Laughs Comedy Club on Friday evening in Las Vegas. Regulars at the club dispute the claim that the mass exodus was planned and instead felt that Sanchez's act is the worst they have ever seen to date at the premiere club. Many contend that their leaving was not an illusion.

"That was the worst magic act I've ever seen. This wasn't a trick, we left cause he sucked," said club patron Charles Beltman. "The guy was doing card tricks almost the entire time he was on. After awhile, everyone in the crowd was like, 'we know, you're going to get the guy's card right.' I finally just figured I'd bug out of there early and get home to watch something funny like Mind of Mencia on Comedy Central."

The illusion came as a complete surprise to club owners as a near stampede occurred as patrons rushed to the door.

"What the f*** was that?" an exasperated Don Ulbert said after the room was cleared. "I have booze to sell and this douche pump cleared the room before anyone bought anything. We're going to take a bath tonight."

Sanchez's manager of three months, Beth Insky, claimed that the clearing of the room was the illusion and that the trick was planned.

"What an incredible feat," exclaimed Insky. "Vern pulled the ultimate illusion by making an entire showroom of people disappear right before the bartender's very eyes. Very few people in the industry could have pulled that illusion off but it just shows how talented Vern is. He has quite a future ahead him and anyone interested in booking him should do so now."

Sanchez seemed less than exhilarated following the performance but two days afterwards he claimed he was thrilled by the results of his Friday evening performance.

"Friday was the culmination of my career," Sanchez admitted. "I achieved the stunt that I have been working on for six years. There is nothing left for me to do in magic. I have accomplished it all and now I will hang up my cape and top hat."

Girl In Internet Chat Room Still Using Picture That Contains Ex-Boyfriend

Plano, TX—Internet chat room aficionado Julie Portus is still using a two year old photo of her and her EX-boyfriend to entice fellow chatters to IM her.

Portus claims she is using the picture because she thinks she looks "hot and sexy" in the photo and she thinks that it will draw eligible men to her.

"I don't see any reason why I shouldn't use the photo. My hair looks great in the picture and just because that asshole Kyle is in it isn't a good enough reason to stop using it." explains Portus.

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