Rosie O'Donnell Goes 8 Minutes Without Offending Anyone

New York, NY—As Rosie O'Donnell gets ready to leave The View  she seems to be a magnet for controversy as she continues to offend almost everyone that crosses her path.  Although it seems that there are fewer and fewer people with whom O'Donnell can disagree, critics marvel at how she never ceases to find someone she can attack.  Her latest victim was none other than her co-host Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

"She just got all up in my face," claimed Hasselbeck, "Because she's offended everyone else, I guess a small, cute, white girl was all that was left."

Yet there seems to be a turn of events as Rosie has set a new record for herself by going the past 8 minutes without saying something offensive.

"I'm not trying to be offensive," she said, "I'm just saying what's on my mind.  And the thing that is on my mind the most is that most people are just a bunch of f****** ***holes."

Among the "f****** ***holes" are Donald Trump, the Chinese, and a hot millionaire co-hosts that most guys want to bang.

"Hell, I love Liz.  I want to bang her, too," O'Donnell claimed while coming perilously close to offending Hasselbeck and almost ending her streak of being non-offensive.

Fans of The View are crossing their fingers in hopes that Rosie can keep her consecutive minute streak alive so she can try to garner back at least some respect and dignity she lost.

"This whole thing has just been blown out of proportion by the media," Rosie said, "Everyone knows the news is run by a bunch of cheap ass Jews anyway."

O'Donnell's streak ended at nearly 8 minutes and 40 seconds.  She plans to try to reach 9 minutes before she departs The View early next month.

Man Becomes First Person To Fulfill Columbia House CD Agreement

Clinton, IA—John Freston became the first person to ever contractually complete his agreement with Columbia House when he ordered what would be his last CD under the agreement.  Freston, who joined Columbia House more than 18 months ago, purchased former American Idol sensation William Hung's "Hangin' With Hung" thereby ending his obligations.

Columbia House spokesman Tammy Haleeka said this marked the first time this has happened since the company was launched in 1955.

"Quite honestly, our accounting department was shocked when they received Mr. Freston's final payment," confessed Haleeka.  "There really is no procedure in place in how we are to go about closing the account.  Normal procedure has us just turning the overdue account to creditors.  We are currently looking into how to close the account in good standing."

Freston was surprised by the attention he has received.

"It just seems to me if a person opens an account they should pay it," said Freston while jamming to She Bangs by William Hung.  "I didn't do anything noble.  They gave me great music and I paid for it."

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Local Standup Comedian Claims Men And Women Are Different

Comedian Vance McBarren made a shocking accusation late Saturday night when he claimed during his standup act that men and women are different from each other.  McBarren was performing his routine at Off The Cuff Comedy Club when he railed against women for nearly a minute and a half as he claimed that the female gender just didn't "make one damn bit of sense."

"I stand by what I say," claims Quickly.  "Women are $%$%ing crazy, especially around that time of the month...if you know what I mean." Quickly then giggled quietly to himself.

Club owner Virginia Olive took umbrage to the comment and went on the offensive against McBarren.

"How dare he say that women don't make 'one damn bit of sense.'  I've never heard such rubbish.  Men are just as big of morons as women are and I demand that Vance apologize," Oliver countered.

McBarren, who has performed his eight minute stand-up routine for nearly 11 years, was surprised by the sudden out lash against him.  McBarren chalks up the negative response to the much more prudish standards of today's entertainment.

"I don't see what the big deal is.  I started doing this joke when the first President Bush was in office and no one ever complained then," McBarren admitted.  "This has everything to do with Don Imus getting fired and nothing to do with that fact that I think women don't make one bit of damn sense."