VOLUME 5  ISSUE 14

17 MAY 2007
 

TOP STORY

 

IN THE NEWS

  
 

Hurricane Harbor To Be Renamed "Hey, I Just Pissed On You"

 

Arlington, TX—In a move to become more forthcoming about their business, Texas entertainment chain Hurricane Harbor has announced plans to rename their establishment, "Hey, I just pissed on you"  (HIJPOY).  Hurricane Harbor made the bold move because of recent complaints that the park is using unclean water and is therefore causing bacterial meningitis among some park goers.

 

"Some people have indeed lodged complaints about the water quality here at the park," admitted park General Manager Nate Burgmeyer.  "And although we do the best we can to keep the water clean we do want to make people aware they are essentially swimming in a pool of piss.  Kids are totally whizzing on other kids the whole time they are in the water.  We felt it was just best to be upfront by calling ourselves, 'Hey, I just pissed on you' (HIJPOY) and laying our cards on the table."

 

Most season ticket holders and local residents applauded the move saying that the facility's candor actually makes them more willing to continue patronizing the establishment.

 

"I always knew that people were pissing on me," confesses frequent park patron Ron Blasz, "And I have to be frank, I really don't mind it as long as people are honest with me about it.  Just let me know I'm getting pissed on and I'll lean back and drink a Keystone Light and enjoy it.  Hell, in Amsterdam I'd have to pay $100 for that."

 

The name change, however, did give many people pause as to whether or not they would attend the facility in the summer months.

 

"Four months ago I went there with my new boyfriend, Chad, and I kind of thought the water was dirty," said long time water enthusiast Carla Rastmuson.  "Come to find out I totally got bacterial meningitis.  Then, I went back three weeks ago with Chad and now I find out that I have genital herpes.  Since neither my boyfriend nor I have sex with anyone besides ourselves we know that the park is the only place that I could have caught it.  Chad is the one that finally figured it out.  We will never go back to that place."

 

Although GM Burgmeyer vehemently denies any culpability in the herpes matter, he feels renaming the park is definitely the right move for the company and also that this will lead to increased attendance at the park.

 

"Sure, some people won't come back here any more but I do want everyone to remember:  Arlington is full of a lot of freaks that are into getting whizzed on."

 

Study Shows Red Wine Reduces Standards In Usually Prudish Women

 

Boston, MA—A recent study by the Hamilton Institute conclusively linked red wine and the declining standards of normally chaste women.  The study, which chronicled single women between the ages of 21 and 35, showed women who drink three or more glasses of red wine on any given evening are nearly six times as likely to have sex with a partner they would normally ignore.  Scientist J. Paul Slavens conducted the study which has lasted for more than 15 years of his adult life.

 

"It all started innocently enough," confesses Slavens.  "I was totally digging this chick and she wanted no part of me but I still asked her to dinner.  Reluctantly, she agreed after some persuasion on my part.  At dinner I wanted to lighten the mood so I ordered a bottle of wine and before I knew it she was totally digging my scene."

 

After eating dinner and downing two bottles of wine, Slavens found himself engaged in "some of the hottest sex I've ever had."  Coming off the success of his first experiment, Slavens decided to continue the experiment with other subjects.  In nearly ever case, Slavens found three glasses of wine was the magic number for his night to end in sex.

 

"The results were pretty clear," admits  Slavens.  "If you want to get lucky with a chick that has been rebuking your advances go out and score a bottle of Kendal Jackson and you'll have her panties around her ankles in no time."

 

Soon after the announcement of the results of the study, wine distributors are struggling to keep up with the increasingly high demand.   Wine sales skyrocketed in the fourth quarter of 2004 rising by 68% among single males from the ages of 18-98. 

 

ADHD NEWS:

 

Paul Wolfowitz Resigns In Disgrace From World Bank, Bush Slates Him To Receive Presidential Medal Of Freedom

  

Lonely Man Uses Bulk Trash Day As Way To Meet People

 

Dallas, TX—Area outcast Patrick Randal looks forward to bulk trash day which occurs the first Monday of every month at his Greenville Avenue home.  Randal, a computer programmer for IBM, spends most of Sunday evening outside his home waiting for people to pick up large trash items that he is throwing away for the month that will be picked up early Monday morning.  Randal claims he uses that time to "hook up with chicks" and "shoot the shit with guys."

 

"What happens is is people come by to look at the stuff that I'm throwing away for the month like lamps or chairs or other shit," Randal says, "And as they are looking over my old stuff I take that time to really get to know them and talk to them.  It's a great way to meet the ladies too."

 

Longtime neighbors of Randal are all too aware of his tendency to stand outside his home on the Sunday before bulk trash day and most stay inside their house until the sanitation trucks have picked up the bulk trash.

 

"He's creepy," admits neighbor Julia Lake.  "I always make a point of avoiding him at all times but on that one day a month it's almost impossible.  He just stands out there waiting for people to come and look at his old crap."

 

Randal admits that he will even throw away items that he really still likes just to get more people to come to look at his belongings. 

 

"Just last month I threw away a brand new laptop," Randal says.  "I had some hot woman come by and she wanted the laptop so I talked to her for more than an hour.  When she was about to leave, I told her I thought I left the cord inside and that I'd be glad to get it for her.  Unfortunately, by the time I came back outside she was gone but I really think she was wanting some of 'Little Pat' if you know what I mean."

 

Randal claims that he is always saddened when the trash trucks eventually arrive on Monday to pick up his remaining bulk trash.

 

"When I see those trucks I know it's going to be another month before I have another good conversation."

 

McDonald's Loses Count

 

Oak Brook, IL—America's fast food staple, McDonald's, who has for years boasted that over billions and billions have been served, suddenly lost count when their computer calculator that tabulates all customers throughout their restaurants worldwide lost power for a few seconds.

The power outage took place only for a couple of seconds, but when the power came back on the counter had flipped itself back to "0."  McDonald's is now scrambling because they are  losing customers due to a lack of consumer confidence in the products McDonald's is serving.

"That sign was proof to me that billions and billions had been served," says Tanya Mitchell.  "With those kinds of numbers I had assumed everyone in the world had eaten there.  But now, with the number at "0" I don't know who has eaten there.  I don't know if it is good or not."

All McDonald's employees are now being required to eat at their own restaurants until the count can begin to look like it's original number.  Before the outage, the count was at 3,567,395,953.  As of today, the counter reads "7."

"This is problematic," says problem figurer outer guy Guy Reid, "No one knows if McDonald's can be trusted anymore."

Night Shift Assistant Manager Dweeb Haily wrote the corporate offices and suggested that since they know what the counter read before the power outage, that they just add seven to that number and reinstate it.  McDonald's headquarters released a statement saying that no intelligent person would be the night shift assistant manager unless they were poor college trash trying to make money for weed and has since fired Haily.

"What a stupid idea," said headquarter spokesman, Ronald McDonald.

 

 

 

  
   

 

 

  

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