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VOLUME 5 ISSUE 13 |
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10 MAY 2007 |
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TOP STORY |
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IN THE NEWS |
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Local Library Reportedly Doubles As Nerd Meat Market
Fort Worth,
TX—The Weekend Report recently went undercover in local Fort Worth libraries
to discover what many are calling a disturbing trend: Nerds meeting
and
"It is a harsh reality that we have found that nerds are meeting in our libraries and those meetings in many cases lead to some kind of nerd sexual intercourse," claims Fort Worth City Manager Charles Boswell. "It always starts innocently enough: Two nerds going to the library independently, getting on to the libraries free internet, logging on to MySpace hoping to find some luvin', only to discover another nerd sitting right by them hoping for the same thing. Before you know it, two greasy nerds are going at it making more nerds. It's very disturbing," Boswell said from a library computer terminal.
Local citizens protested vigorously after becoming aware of the situation and many had made repeated calls to end the libraries policy of allowing nerds into the building. However, those closest to the libraries claim that if nerds are prohibited from entering the library soon the buildings will cease to have any activity.
"Banning nerds from the library? What's next? No nerds in chess? No nerds in Dungeons and Dragons?" said local librarian and nerd Collin Montgomery. "If you're going to take away the library from guys like me then I'd like to see bars banned for every other guy. Taking away my Chekhov is like taking away a cool guy's white wine spritzer."
Mayor Mike Moncrief weighed in on the situation by claiming everyone, including nerds, have the right to use the libraries facilities as long as they are complying with the rules.
"If nerds want to go to the libraries and meet each other I'm all for it. But once it gets to the point where they want to ravish each other's nerd bodies they are going to need to take it elsewhere," the mayor claimed from the fifth hole of Rivercrest golf course. "And I'm not talking about behind the dumpster in the parking lot. They need to get back to their parent's house and get it on in the basement...you know, where most nerds do it."
5th Grade Class Behaves Splendidly For Substitute Teacher
Mansfield, TX—Substitute teacher Andrea Roberts walked away from Mansfield Elementary School Monday brimming with confidence as she became only the fourth teacher in the history of the city to have a pleasant experience substitute teaching. Roberts filled in for Joshua Franklin who was out that day pursuing his acting career by starring in a commercial.
"They were absolute angels." admits Roberts. "I was a little worried, this being the first time I've ever subbed, but they treated me exactly like I was their real teacher."
Roberts, who is a full-time mother of two, took the job to earn extra money to purchase a family pool.
"I thought I would pick up a couple of days so that we can expedite getting our pool. If I would have known subbing was this easy I would have done it a long time ago," Roberts said.
The fifth grade class only asked twice where their real teacher, "Mr. Josh", was. When Mrs. Roberts told the class that "Mr. Josh" was following his true love shooting a commercial for the Taco Johns chain the class never mentioned "Mr. Josh" again.
"Once I told the kids the 'Mr. Josh' loved acting a lot more than teaching they kinda forgot about him. I think they are starting to see through him when he acts like he likes them. Kids are very observant about things like that." Roberts claimed.
Ms. Roberts is slated to sub again for "Mr. Josh" on Thursday when he has a callback audition for Chuck E Cheese. She claims that secretyly she hopes "Mr. Josh's" career starts to flourish.
"There is a part of me that would like to consider going full time again. I realize that teaching is my calling," Roberts claimed. |
Jerry Falwell Blames Tornadoes In Kansas City On Local Gay Man
Lynchburg, VA—During
a recent broadcast from his studios at Liberty University, Jerry Falwell
blamed the
“God is eventually going to destroy all the gays in the world, one natural disaster at a time,” explained the Reverend. “The Almighty Father was coming for Mr. Hutchins and even though he survived this time, he better watch his back from now on.”
Greensburg is a small community which has a population of 1,500 people and the Red Cross estimated that 90 percent of the town was destroyed or heavily damaged. Ironically, Mr. Hutchin’s home was one of the few left standing.
“I’m just glad the Lord missed me because it’s a 1925 Tudor that I completely restored and it looks fabulous!” Hutchins said of the incident. “The way I look at it, I’m one of the 10 percent who didn’t get hit so maybe God was going after the heterosexuals this time.”
No stranger to controversy, the Rev. Falwell has also blamed gays and lesbians for being partly responsible for the terrorist attacks in New York City but believes the elements are God’s weapons of choice.
“All I’m saying is that if you’re gay, you better start watching the Weather Channel 24/7.”
But despite the homosexual lifestyle being blamed for everything from the Tsunami to Katrina, Mr. Hutchins plans on staying in Greenburg.
“Like my hero Judy Garland once said in the Wizard of Oz, there’s no place like home.”
Dallas Sports at A Glance
Dallas Stars Get Totally Canucked
Dallas, TX—A pair of empty net goals in the final minute doomed the Dallas Stars hockey season. The Vancouver Canucks end the Stars short playoff run prompting most Dallasites to ask the question, “The Stars were in the playoffs?”
Texas Rangers End April Mathematically Eliminated From Playoffs
Dallas, TX—As the rainy days of April give way to the flowery days of May, the Texas Rangers finish the first full month of the 2007 baseball season 10-18. Although the season still has 125 games left, The Texas Rangers are officially out of the playoff race.
When asked for comment on the woes of the Rangers, General Manager Jon Daniels replied, “Now that the playoff hunt has died down, we can concentrate on the biggest concern facing this team, squashing the minor league team who wants to move into Arlington.”
Mavs Ousted From Playoffs, Parade Route Disclosed
Dallas, TX—Citing the fact that the Golden State Warriors defeated the Dallas Mavericks four games to two and officially ending the Mavericks season, The Dallas City Council held a press conference to announce the championship parade route.
“After all the flack we took for releasing the parade route last year when the Mavs were up 2-0 on Miami, we decided to wait until the season was completely finished said Dallas Mayor Laura Miller. “This way we can’t be blamed for the complete and utter fiasco that happened in game 6 against Golden State.” |
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fostering a romantic relationship in our very own libraries. The WR
went undercover after repeated complaints were lodged with the city claiming
that our library system was being routinely used for nerd booty calls.