Area Man Excited To Receive Religious Pamphlet Right Outside Jamba Juice

Fort Worth, TX—Local resident Kevin Dell was thrilled late Wednesday when he was presented with a complimentary religious pamphlet chronicling the rapture and the eternal cost of failing to accept Jesus as one's personal saviour.  Dell, who was on his way to preview the new movie The  Number 23, politely stopped to receive the brochure after he heard the words of Evangelist Derek Foster warning of eternal damnation if passersby didn't head his warnings to accept Jesus.

"I was kind of in a haze when I was walking when I heard this man yelling at me that I was going to go to hell," admitted Dell.  "I hadn't really thought about it until he caught my attention and he told me I needed to change my ways.  After thumbing through the little booklet I realized nothing has ever touched me as much as that cartoon depiction of where my life had gone off track.  I was a changed man."

Dell's acceptance of Jesus Christ took nearly everyone close to him by surprise and many remained skeptical that he would in fact follow through on his promise to change.

"Deli (Dell's nickname) isn't really one of those guys that stays committed to anything for a long time," said longtime friend Pete Dolmage.  "He was probably high at the time and he was just temporarily excited to be getting something free and that convinced him that he needed to change his ways"

Many of those closest to Dell concurred with Dolmage's assessment.

"As soon as he wakes up tomorrow and he is no longer high I'll bet he is no longer on board with this whole 'Christian thing,'" confesses former girlfriend Nicole Barnes Wilson.  "Kevin is very impressionable, especially when he's stoned which is pretty much all of the time.  He's going to get over this."

Dell, however, disagrees.

"I have been saved.  I am going to turn my life around," Dell said.  "As soon as I'm done with this dime bag I'm going to work to start repairing my life.  But I must finish the dime bag first.  One of God's first rules is not to waste."

Captain America Expresses Regret On Death Bed

Brooklyn, NY—After being shot in front of a Federal Courthouse, Steve Rogers (A.K.A Captain America) was led away in an ambulance and expressed regret to an EMT on the scene before he died.

“We were on our way to the hospital when he grabbed my hand and clutched it very tightly,” explained Carl Santiago.  “He told me that to die this way was very embarrassing for him because he had survived so much worse in the past.”

A superhero since 1941, Captain America had survived everything from being encased in ice during a state of suspended animation toward the end of World War II to surviving multiple attacks from his long-time nemesis, the Red Skull.

“He told me that after everything that he lived through, he couldn’t believe that a sniper named “Crossbones” and his “on again, off again” girlfriend, Sharon Carter, would be the ones to finally take him out.”

And longtime fans of the patriotic figure agree.

“I loved Captain America but I always thought that he should have been going out with someone with bigger breasts, like the Red Sonja or the She-Hulk from the 80s,” expressed Charlie Wilson, a Barnes & Noble employee who still lives with his mother.  “Sharon had a set of B-cups that were always covered up by her S.H.I.E.L.D. outfit.  Their relationship reminded me of Clinton and Lewinsky, he could have done so much better.”

With his last gasp, Captain America shared one final thought with the EMT.

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Man's Attempt At Cooking Show Recipe Doesn't Go Well

Dallas, TX—Gary Johnson took the day off of work to get some things done around the house.  He cleaned out the garage and attic, and even cleaned the entire house.  He got it all done before noon since his wife, Judy, keeps the house tidy anyway.  He found that he had some time on his hands, so he plopped down in front of the TV and started channel surfing.  He found the food channel and was enraptured by a recipe being prepared by "The Barefoot Contessa."

Knowing he still had time on his hands and that his wife would be coming home tired from work, he thought he would prepare dinner for her and their two kids.  He started jotting down the recipe for a barbeque pork slow cooker with carrot salad and chocolate mousse for dessert.  After watching the entire episode and consulting the Barefoot Contessa's website, Johnson raced to the store and purchased all of the ingredients.

He spent the next 5 hours in hell.

Nothing turned out the way he wanted it to.  He didn't get the right type of pork and forgot to buy barbeque sauce all together.  His chocolate mousse turned into a type of chocolate soup.  The carrot salad only looked like a bunch of cut up carrots with no flavor. His wife walked into the door with Johnson covered in pork grease and flour.  The kitchen looked like a murder scene.

"I just thought all you had to do was follow directions," he said while mopping up the floor.

"It was a nice thought, but really," said Judy, "Men need to keep their asses out of the kitchen unless they are trained to be in there.  It's just more work for me."

Despite spending more than $250 at the store, the family ultimately ordered pizza.

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