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VOLUME 5 ISSUE 8 |
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29 MARCH 2007 |
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TOP STORY |
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IN THE NEWS |
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Area Man Convinced Massage Nearly Culminated In "Happy Ending"
Hurst, TX—Hurst
resident Scott Morrow told friends he nearly scored a "happy ending" at a
local massage parlor but claims the female massage therapist was "scared off
the move" after she heard a noise right outside the door of the massage
"She was moving up and down my leg and I could tell she was seeing if I was into it," Morrow said while toweling off in the men's room following his massage. "She kept working that inner thigh area and anytime the chicks do that I know what they are looking for."
Friends disputed Morrow assertions and even tried to convince him that massaging the inner thigh is standard protocol.
"Scott is so hard up he thinks that if a woman even touches him it means she wants him," friend Richard Pallett said. "He never takes into consideration that someone had to pay that woman $200 to get her to rub on him."
Even Morrow's girlfriend, Eva Webber, claims Scott "misread the situation."
"I got the gift for Scott so that he could relax and try to unwind," Ms. Webber claims. "Now I realize it was probably a waste of money because he was probably thinking about getting jerked off the whole time he was in there. I kinda wished she would've done it. It would have been one less thing for me to worry about."
Morrow, however, was not deterred. He has scheduled another massage in hopes of "finishing the deal."
"I plan on tipping her five bucks right when I get in there so that she knows exactly what I'm looking for."
Hillary Clinton Presses Husband To Contract Cancer
Washington,
DC—Coming on the heels of the news of Elizabeth Edwards' cancer returning,
anonymous sources
"Hillary is prepared to do whatever is necessary to win this election," a source who asked to remain anonymous for fear of talking about their boss. "Even if it means that Bill needs to get cancer she is willing to take that risk."
A spokesman for the former president says Mr. Clinton would be willing to contract "cancer for the cause" if Mrs. Clinton would be willing offer him "carte blanche" with other women. |
Starbucks Introduces New Coffee Flavored Coffee
Seattle, WA—Forget about caramel machiatos.
Move over maple lattes. Say goodbye to your white chocolate
“Its coffee that actually tastes like a coffee. Its made from what they call a coffee bean,” says Director of Marketing for Starbucks Earth Division, Scarlett Landry. “We’re going to test market it in Seattle then slowly roll out the product to our other 14,765,811 locations. We’re going to call it ‘coffee,’” added Ms. Landry.
When asked if Starbucks customers will accept this radical new way of getting their caffeine results were mixed.
“I don’t really know, I’m pretty set in my ways. I’ve been drinking my maple frappecinno the same way my whole life,” says 13-year old Jill Spradlin. “ I really don’t see me changing my routine just because something is new.”
Investors we’re leery of this unproven commodity as Starbuck's shares dropped $3.21 upon the news.
“Starbucks is taking a huge gamble by introducing something so unproven,” claims Smith-Barney Analyst Scott Bedford. “It would be wise for Starbucks to stick to its core compeneancies; high calorie, overpriced unpronounceable beverages, convoluted board games and Nora Jones CD’s.”
To try this new coffee concoction, visit your neighborhood Starbucks or the one across the street.
Man Accidentally Purchases Entire First Season Of Mr. Belvedere
Southlake,
TX—Frequent traveler Ben Clark was disappointed Monday when he reached down
into his carry-on bag for some mid-flight entertainment during his seven
"What the f**k," Clark was heard muttering as he removed the discs from the box. "When I reached down and saw I grabbed the wrong box from Best Buy I knew I was in for a long transatlantic flight. Watching the Sopranos was all I planned to do on this flight and now I'm left with some fat British guy."
Clark reluctantly began playing the DVD's after boredom set in nearly an hour into the flight. After four episodes, Clark found himself laughing uncontrollably and soon began dreading not only the end of the flight but also viewing the last episode on the DVD.
"This show was really underrated," claimed a woozy eyed Clark. "There are some real subtle moments in this show and some plot twists I didn't see coming. Not only that, Belvedere's accent really got me in the mood to come to London."
Clark claims he plans to buy every season available on DVD as soon as he returns to the states. He also says he plans to mount a campaign to bring the show back on the air.
ADHD NEWS:
Man Claims In-flight Boredom Led To His Mistakenly Liking Mr. Belvedere
Mime Fails To Annoy Area Woman
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room. Morrow, who is a systems analyst for EDS, received the massage
as a gift from his girlfriend of two years and he is convinced that had
there not been a noise outside the room he would have "totally gotten a hand
job."
