VOLUME 5  ISSUE 7

22 MARCH 2007

TOP STORY

IN THE NEWS

Man Rolls Ankle Causing Wife to Roll Eyes

Mansfield, TX—Porter Thomas feels like he is in the best shape of his life.  He has been working out consistently for months now, and he's even started a solid diet that he has, for the most part, stayed true too. One of his favorite things to do to stay in shape is playing basketball.  He plays in a league on Tuesday nights and also plays in pick up games at his church on Sunday.  This past Sunday, Thomas went down...hard.

"I was driving the lane on a fast break and stepped on the side of a guy's shoe," said Thomas from his bed.  "It completely rolled my left ankle and I went down screaming. Worst pain ever."

Thomas admitted that his first thought once he hit the floor was of his wife and how she was going to kill him.  "We have a 3 year old and 1 month old at home.  She was going to be so pissed when she found out I was out of commission."

Thomas made it home with the help of some of his buddies and even called ahead to make sure she knew what she would see when he hobbled through the door.

"It was bad," he said.

Once he got to the door and walked in, he saw his wife. Suddenly, his wife, Andrea, rolled both eyes at the same time.  For a moment, the pupils went into her head completely, then came back, crossed momentarily, and then returned to normal.

"I thought she might really have hurt herself," Porter said.

She hadn't.  She just knew that her husband wasn't as young as he used to be.

"It's not a matter of if he's going to hurt himself again," she said, "It's when."

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Woman Convinced Green Beer Makes Her Drunker

Edgecliff, TX—Small town girl, Jenni Dunham, eagerly anticipated her green beer consumption during Saturday night's St. Patrick's Day festivities.  Ms. Dunham, a third year Tarrant County Community College freshman, drank several "green beers" to celebrate the day and was convinced that the beverage "makes her drunker."

"I love how much extra alcohol the green color adds to it," a drunken Dunham slurred.  "I have to drink far fewer beers to catch a buzz.  It is awesome because a night out is soooo less expensive."

Ms. Dunham spent the night at Bennigan's in Sundance square soaking in the tastes of Ireland with her friends.

"We've never been to Ireland so we came here to get a feel for the what the culture is like over there," Dunham explained.  "I'm seriously thinking about moving over there just so that I can access to the green beer year round."

Although bartender, Ray Beamer, insisted that no additional alcohol was in green beer, Ms. Dunham refused to believe it.

"She's kind of a dumbass if she believes that...but she is hot so if I can get her drunk enough I can probably take her home tonight and nail her," Beamer bragged.  "I'd like to show her little green clover my  leprechaun."  Beamer then high-fived his fellow bartender, Dan Merriott.

After her ninth green beer Ms. Dunham started making advances at Mr. Beamer.  She told him this green beer puts her "sooo in the mood."

Bar back Robert Slissel spotted the pair leaving the establishment hand-in-hand while he was taking out the nightly trash.

"That's what I'm working towards," Slissel admitted.  The day when I can become a bartender and I can tag the hot drunk chicks after a night of drinking.  I going out to buy green food color tomorrow...just in case."

"Lost" Viewer Lost

Fort Worth, TX—Avid "Lost" watcher Adam Smith has followed the popular ABC television series since Oceanic flight 815 first crashed into the ocean three seasons ago. Now, as the plot ever thickens and more and more characters are introduced, Smith is finding it harder and harder to keep up.

At work, Smith prided himself on sending emails to his "Losties" on Thursdays talking about the previous episodes and what clues and character connections he had discovered.  Co-workers and friends would come to him
with questions and Smith would feel almost God-like as he would wow them with answers and theories.  Week after week, however, Smith found it harder and harder to keep his elite Lost knowledge power.

"It's just crazy now," says a tear-streaked face Smith, "I don't know what the hell is happening now.  There is just too much craziness going on."

Smith found it hard enough to follow the mysterious workings of the island itself, but now that the "others" are in the plot with constant new communities being found, Smith finds more and more characters being introduced after an already strong and deep ensemble cast was formed.

"I'm fed up," he says moments after being fed up.  "I just want it to go back to where I knew what was happening...now I'm just...lost."

Which could be what the creators wanted all along.