Berkeley, CA—Two lost whales, two weeks into their ordeal that took them 90-miles inland up the Sacramento River, may be the fault of the male whale claims Bernadette Fees, deputy director of the California Department of Fish and Game.

“According to our interpretation of sonar recorded of the two, they appear to be in some sort of confrontation", claims Fees.  "Why?  We can’t be certain.  The confrontation seems to be the result of the bull not asking for directions."

The whales were first spotted May 13 in the Sacramento River and got as far as the Port of Sacramento before finally turning around.  The sound of the high pitched communications became louder and more frequent as the whales continued up the river, leading scientists to draw the conclusion that the female or cow was growing increasingly irritated.  In layman's terms, the female whale or cow appeared to be nagging the male or bull. 

“It doesn’t take a marine biologist to tell when a husband is being bitched at,” claimed thrice divorced whale enthusiast Ron Winestein.  “Just look at the body language.  His body is all slumped over like he’s totally been beaten down.  That’s not just the fact he’s a humpback.  He's married!”

17 Billionth Teenager Misunderstood

Austin, TX—Tyler McCallon is a typical 15 year old.  He's poolside for the summer trying to find the courage to talk to girls and control whatever it is that is happening in his pants when they walk by in their swimsuits.  He made honor roll throughout his sophomore year of high school and played varsity soccer.  A pretty normal kid.  One that never suspected he would be honored with such a distinctive award.  He was just in the right place at
the right time.

The event occurred when his mom picked him up from the pool right at the front gate.  Upon entering the car he told his mom that he would rather her park down the way a bit and he would just walk to the car.  Of course, his mother, Sheila, thought she was doing him a favor by picking him up so close but the teenage world frowns upon the help of adults even if it is a scorching day on the blacktop and the kid forgot his flipflops.

"I just told her to pick me down the street," recalled McCallon.  "And after awhile she got all bent out of shape about how lucky I was to have a mother who would be willing to take time out of her busy schedule to take me places I can just goof off."

Once the lecture was over, Tyler said the words that would give him a distinction that few get.  He looked at her and said, "You don't understand."

Suddenly, some random guy in a suit and some people with cameras pounced on the car telling Tyler he was the 17 billlionth teenager to be misunderstood since the beginning of time.

"It's not that great of a feeling," said the teenager, "Just shows that I'm not that special after all since frickin' 17 billion others have done the same thing."

His mom was very proud.  "It's just such a blessing that he was recognized," she said fighting back tears.  "I hope I can keep misunderstanding him so the feeling will last."

His father was less enthusiastic.  "I don't really give a shit.  But if it will help his ego by me being positive, then I guess at least he was good at something...pansy."