VOLUME 5  ISSUE 19

21 JUNE 2007

TOP STORY

IN THE NEWS

Poll:  Only 26% Of Bush's Immediate Family Approve Of How He's Handling Family Chores

Washington, DC—A recent Bush family poll reveals the president has fallen to a record low approval rating within his own family regarding his personal chores.  The poll, taken by daughter Jenna, confirmed that most of the people within Bush's immediate family feel he has reneged on promises to "keep his vanity area in the bathroom clean" and for "forgetting bulk trash day" among other family promises.

"Dad has really let this 'president' thing go to his head," confessed daughter Jenna.  "He always is leaving his underwear and socks just lying around and he just expects someone to clean up his mess.  He just acts like he didn't make the mess to begin with.  And the days of him using a coaster on mom's good tables have ceased to exist for a long time."

Even long-time supporter Laura Bush has recently come out against Mr. Bush claiming he has "no exit strategy for bulk trash" and that he is often unilaterally making decisions on things like family vacations without first consulting her.

"Once again he said he wanted to go to the ranch for this summer's time off in August," confessed Mrs. Bush.  "Although I thought it would be best to go somewhere different like a nice beach he went ahead and made plans as if I didn't have an equal say in anything."

Only daughter Barbara hinted at lukewarm support for her dad by claiming that "he does the best he can given the circumstances,"   while family dog, Barney, is left as the only family hold-out who still fervently supports Mr. Bush.

"I love him," claimed Barney while licking his balls and looking up at the president.  "Who else would let me sit here in front of him gnawing on my nuts and not say a word?  He's the best Master a dog could get.  I wouldn't want him running the world or anything but he's fun to pay fetch with."

Area Man Devises "System" To Beat Las Vegas Casino's In Craps

Hurst, TX—Local novice gambler Kevin Basa claims he has devised a "fool proof system" to beat the house in craps.  Basa has purported that he uses a betting sequence that involves "going up a unit" each time after a winning roll has occurred.  He also goes on to claim that if properly followed it is nearly impossible to be beaten by the casinos.

"My father taught me this a few years back when I was learning to play the game and I've found that it always works," claims Basa.  Each time you win you bump it up one unit because you're literally playing with the house's money.  Leave a certain percentage on the table.  Don't ever take the winnings.  Let them ride.  If you trust me on this one you'll get rich playing this game."

Friends of Basa claim the system is tragically flawed and have admitted to following the system and losing thousands of dollars.

"His system is bogus," says friend Ed Keerney.  "We had nearly $10,000 out on the table and I said we should pull it and enjoy our winnings.  He said 'no' and on the very next roll we crapped out.  When I told him he should have listened to me he claimed I brought 'bad mojo' to the table and that that was the reason for our loss."

When presented with friend's claims, Basa vehemently defended his system.

"Don't listen to Ed.  He doesn't know what the f*** he's talking about.  My system works," an excited Basa claimed.  "If Ed wouldn't have been betting against the table then the God's of gambling wouldn't have smote us."

When presented with evidence of a "system," an anonymous casino boss smiled.

"Trust him.  He's right.  That's the way it works," the source said.  "In fact, I wish more people like Basa played here.  My bonus would be incredible."

Ben Bernanke Smiles, U.S. Stock Market Shoots Up 200 Points