Rush Limbaugh Angered That Former President Was Not Given "Proper Burial"

Washington, DC - A spokesperson for Rush Limbaugh admitted he was 'upset and distraught' by the lack of support and ceremony put into the former president's funeral.  Reagan, the nation's 40th president, was eulogized for nearly a week following his death culminating in a state funeral where the president lain in state.

"What does a guy have to do for people to give him the proper respect he deserves?  I would think we should dedicate the entire month to our nations greatest president." claimed political commentator Rush Limbaugh during his daily radio broadcast.  "This is just another attempt by the liberal media to try to undermine the conservative movement."

Research Proves Laboratory Rats Cause Of Cancer

Palo Alto, CA - The American Cancer Society made a startling announcement today claiming to have found the cause of cancer.  After an on-going nine month research campaign, Independent researcher, R.J. Bartles, has found that laboratory rats are the cause of cancer.  Bartles claims to have isolated the gene which leads to an ongoing  regeneration of cancer cells.  The unique gene, found only in rats, can be passed from the rodents to humans through the air.  Bartels' research also concluded that some humans can carry a dormant version of the gene around for years acting as a conduit for other human contamination.

"All these years researchers have been using rats to find the cure but instead they have propagated the disease.  It's a sad day for the A.C.S."  Bartles sadly announced.

American Cancer Society President, Mike Dolmage, was taken aback and embarrassed by the news.  "Boy, there is egg on our face today.  There's no way around it.  And to think I brought one of those rats home as a pet for my daughter.  Her mother is not going to be happy about this one."

The announcement comes at time when the A.C.S. is already coming under fire from  animal rights activists.  Earlier this month PETA acrimoniously accused A.C.S. of unnecessarily harming animals to find a cure for cancer.  PETA spokesman, Todd Puckett, quickly dismissed the discovery.  "There is not one part of me that believes this announcement.  A.C.S. is only saying these things to try and get the human race to hate rats.  They think by making this announcement it will divert PETA' s cause to assist these harmless creatures.  But I say this to the people of A.C.S.:  Peta will not take our eye off the ball. "  claimed an irate Puckett.

Surprisingly, representatives from The Center For Disease Control confirmed that laboratory rats are indeed the central cause of cancer.   CDC public relations manager, Julie Fenderway, announced today that cancer has been cured.  "Everyone can go back to doing everything that we thought was bad for you.  In fact, I suggest doing everything twice to make up for lost time." an excited Fenderway claimed.  Immediately after making the statement Fenderway lit up two cigarettes and ate six pieces of bacon.

According to witnesses, Mr. Kondrey had been watching an episode of "Stripperella", the new Pamela Anderson cartoon, when, at approximately 1:15 am Ms. Gina Poole entered the apartment and a verbal altercation began. Court documents indicate that Mr. Kondrey claimed Ms. Poole was "monopolizing access to the hoo-hah" and denying "his car access to the garage". Neighbors said Ms. Poole only became outraged when Mr. Kondrey continued in his flagrant use of euphemisms.

"I didn’t know what he was talkin about at first", said Ms. Poole the next day, "Maybe he’d been drinkin’ too much or something. But then he says that I need to ‘quit being tight with the shrubbery’ and that ‘astronauts need tang’. He needs to speak english. I don’t know what the hell all that is."

Upon his release from police custody, Mr. Kondrey continued his tirade, saying,"She has that cooter to herself all of the dang time, yet even if you include the time she’s takin’ a whiz, she ain’t using that President Bush but seven or eight minutes a day. By my math, that leaves me over twenty something hours a day I could be handlin’ up on my business!" With that Mr. Kondrey climbed into his cherry 1978 Trans-Am, reaching into the clove compartment for a multicolored comb, which he used to push back his out of control mullet. "Stay hard, and keep on jammin!", He said as he drove away.