VOLUME 5  ISSUE 18

14 JUNE 2007

 

TOP STORY

 

IN THE NEWS

 
 

Alanis Morissette's Engagement Ends, Angst Filled Male Bashing Album Soon To Follow

 

Beverly Hills, CA—A spokesman for Alanis Morissette, who made her name with poignant angry songs about wrecked relationships, said today that the rocker is planning a new album coming on the heels of her recent breakup with her fiancé Ryan Reynolds.  Morissette is reportedly about to "unleashed" her emotions in her latest album tentatively titled F*ck You For Loving Me.

 

"Alanis plans to air all of her dirty laundry about her failed engagement is song," admits spokesman Jeremy Jones.  "She is exceptionally angry at Ryan for effing up her life and she feels the only way to rid herself of the negative energy is to forever capture it on digital recording."

 

Morissette's new album, Priority, Male Hater,  will feature such tracks as, Take Your Ring Back, Mother F*cker, If You Smell Something Burning It's Probably Your House, and I Gave You My Heart And You Gave Me The Clap. 

 

The album will contain 12 new hatred filled male bashing songs and is set to be released later this summer.

Woman Loses Cellphone, Cutoff From Friends And Family For Nearly A Month

Dallas, TXJenny Adkins lost her Nokia phone late last month and has spent that time completely disconnected from her friends and family.  Adkins, who relied on her phone to keep all of her numbers, was "simply lost" without it.

"I don't remember anyone's number.  Not even my parents.  They are all on speed dial.  Once I lost my phone there was no way I could contact anyone," a saddened Adkins admitted.

Adkins' mother, Judy, was terrified when she hadn't heard from her daughter for more than two weeks.  She contacted police agencies and called Jenny's work daily. 

Jenny knew her mother was trying to reach her but she couldn't return the call because she didn't know her mother's number.  Her mother, assuming she had memorize her childhood phone number, assumed the worst.

"I would leave messages for her to call me back and she never would.  I thought I had done something to offend her or I was worried that she had taken to drugs or was dead or something," Mrs. Adkins said.

Jenny finally did return her mother's call when her cellphone resurfaced.  She found the phone underneath the seat of her Mazda Miata.  After charging the phone for the night, she retrieved 412 messages, of which all but two were from her mother.  The remaining two were from her live-in boyfriend reminding her to pick up the cat from the vet.

46 Inch Tall Kid Stands On Tiptoes To Score Ride On Texas Giant

 

Arlington, TX—In an unprecedented move, 8 year old Austin Driscoll outsmarted Texas Giant operator Brendon Roggendorf by standing on his tiptoes to appear to qualify for the ride's 48 inch minimum.  Onlookers were shocked by the Driscoll's tenacity and fearlessness as he covertly raised himself up as Roggendorf looked upward to check his measurement.

 

"I've never seen anything like it," admitted onlooker Dan Westerbrook.  "It never even crossed my mind to do something like that when I was a kid.  That kid has real balls."

 

Driscoll brushed off his accomplishment.  "It was a piece of cake," he bragged.  "I wasn't scared for one second.  I'm going to ride it again as soon as I go get my baseball cap.  That way that guy running the ride won't even know it's me."

 

Child's "Dad, Watch This!" Fails To Impress Father

Arlington, TX
With summer in full swing and the temperature rising to the triple digits, most families are seeking refuge at the water.  Kids are spending hours at the pool and most parents also like the timeout in the day to catch some rays, take a dip, and spend time with family.  Michael Cole's family is no different.  His wife and he hit up the neighborhood pool with their 3 year old daughter, Ava.  As Mrs. Cole soaked up the sun, Michael and Ava swam in the pool together.

"It was going great," recalls Michael, "We were having a great time.  She was jumping in from the side and I was catching her.  She can't swim yet so she had this life jacket floaty thing on that she loves."

After about 30 minutes, Ava looked at her father in the pool and said those magical words, "Dad, watch this."

"So I watched," said Michael, "And nothing really happened."

What did happen was that 3 year old Ava stopped moving all together and just floated for a few seconds, showing that she didn't have to swim to stay afloat, thanks to the floaty she was wearing.  She thought it was really cool.  Her father did not.

"It was at that point I knew we should leave," he said.  "How lame can you get?  I had to get out of there before she did something like that again and asked someone else to watch."

The Coles are not planning to return to the pool any time soon, but have left a warning for all other parents in the world.

If your kids says, "Hey watch this," either there is nothing really to watch or your kid is about to kill himself.

 

Reversing the Toilet-Reading Trend: Musings From the Throne

 

Dallas, TX—93% of American men read while on the toilet.  Fact.  64% of American women read while on the toilet.  Fact.  1% of journalists write their stories while on the toilet.  Guessing?

 

Why is it that most men can rebuild a carburetor on a 65 Ford Mustang but can’t seem to figure out the complicated ‘push the toilet paper roll-holder in’ to make it fit the dispenser?

 

How many times can you use the “clean” towel hanging on the hanger before it becomes “dirty”?

 

Why do you need to clean the tub?  Doesn’t it basically take a shower every day?

 

How many times can you read the October 2005 Maxim before you should throw it away?

 

Question: How many men does it take to change a bathroom light bulb?  Answer: Why bother?  You have a skylight.

 

Grout is a funny word.

 

How long will it take a dead spider to decompose?

 

Why fix the floor when you can cover the warped boards with a $3.00 bath mat?

 

Four cups of coffee is too much.

 

ADHD NEWS:

 

Study:  Upon Consumption, Birthday Cake Icing Mostly Spit

 

Area Man Signs Up For Bed, Bath and Beyond Email List 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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