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VOLUME 5 ISSUE 18 |
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14 JUNE 2007 |
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TOP STORY |
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IN THE NEWS |
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Alanis Morissette's Engagement Ends, Angst Filled Male Bashing Album Soon To Follow
Beverly Hills, CA—A spokesman for Alanis Morissette, who made her name with
poignant angry songs about wrecked relationships, said today that the rocker
is planning a new
"Alanis plans to air all of her dirty laundry about her failed engagement is song," admits spokesman Jeremy Jones. "She is exceptionally angry at Ryan for effing up her life and she feels the only way to rid herself of the negative energy is to forever capture it on digital recording."
Morissette's new album, Priority, Male Hater, will feature such tracks as, Take Your Ring Back, Mother F*cker, If You Smell Something Burning It's Probably Your House, and I Gave You My Heart And You Gave Me The Clap.
The album will contain 12 new hatred filled male bashing songs and is set to be released later this summer. Woman Loses Cellphone, Cutoff From Friends And Family For Nearly A Month Dallas, TX—Jenny Adkins lost her Nokia phone late last month and has spent that time completely disconnected from her friends and family. Adkins, who relied on her phone to keep all of her numbers, was "simply lost" without it.
Adkins' mother, Judy, was terrified when she hadn't heard from her daughter for more than two weeks. She contacted police agencies and called Jenny's work daily. Jenny knew her mother was trying to reach her but she couldn't return the call because she didn't know her mother's number. Her mother, assuming she had memorize her childhood phone number, assumed the worst. "I would leave messages for her to call me back and she never would. I thought I had done something to offend her or I was worried that she had taken to drugs or was dead or something," Mrs. Adkins said. Jenny finally did return her mother's call when her cellphone resurfaced. She found the phone underneath the seat of her Mazda Miata. After charging the phone for the night, she retrieved 412 messages, of which all but two were from her mother. The remaining two were from her live-in boyfriend reminding her to pick up the cat from the vet. 46 Inch Tall Kid Stands On Tiptoes To Score Ride On Texas Giant
Arlington, TX—In an unprecedented move, 8 year old Austin Driscoll outsmarted Texas Giant operator Brendon Roggendorf by standing on his tiptoes to appear to qualify for the ride's 48 inch minimum. Onlookers were shocked by the Driscoll's tenacity and fearlessness as he covertly raised himself up as Roggendorf looked upward to check his measurement.
"I've never seen anything like it," admitted onlooker Dan Westerbrook. "It never even crossed my mind to do something like that when I was a kid. That kid has real balls."
Driscoll brushed off his accomplishment. "It was a piece of cake," he bragged. "I wasn't scared for one second. I'm going to ride it again as soon as I go get my baseball cap. That way that guy running the ride won't even know it's me." |
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Child's "Dad, Watch This!" Fails To Impress
Father
Reversing the Toilet-Reading Trend: Musings From the Throne
Dallas, TX—93% of American men read while on the toilet. Fact. 64% of American women read while on the toilet. Fact. 1% of journalists write their stories while on the toilet. Guessing?
Why is it that most men can rebuild a carburetor on a 65 Ford Mustang but can’t seem to figure out the complicated ‘push the toilet paper roll-holder in’ to make it fit the dispenser?
How many times can you use the “clean” towel hanging on the hanger before it becomes “dirty”?
Why do you need to clean the tub? Doesn’t it basically take a shower every day?
How many times can you read the October 2005 Maxim before you should throw it away?
Question: How many men does it take to change a bathroom light bulb? Answer: Why bother? You have a skylight.
Grout is a funny word.
How long will it take a dead spider to decompose?
Why fix the floor when you can cover the warped boards with a $3.00 bath mat?
Four cups of coffee is too much.
ADHD NEWS:
Study: Upon Consumption, Birthday Cake Icing Mostly Spit
Area Man Signs Up For Bed, Bath and Beyond Email List |
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