Stalker Disappointed Google Earth Fails To Offer Better View Of Ex-Girlfriend's House

Bedford, TX—Area stalker Kurt Gibbons was disappointed late Wednesday night when he discovered that Google Earth only gave a "partial view" of his ex-girlfriend's home. Gibbons, who has been estranged from his former girlfriend, Michelle Corbins, for nearly two years, was hoping to get a "full on full frontal view" of his former lover as she was preparing to take a shower so that he could pleasure himself to the memory of their past torrid nights of love making.

"I got the idea when a friend told me you could see anyone's house on Google Earth," Gibbons admitted.  "I was so excited I had been planning this date for nearly a week but then when I pulled up Google Earth I could barely even see inside her windows.  I had to make love with myself using my memory of her.  It kinda sucked."

Gibbons had to take the extreme measure after a restraining order was placed upon him for invading Corbins' personal space.  Gibbons was caught numerous times touching himself outside Corbins' window and was taken to jail after being caught covertly hiding in Corbinss silver 1995 Mustang while waiting for her to get off of work.  After repeated attempts to dissuade Gibbons from following her, Corbins took the drastic step of enforcing a restraining order against him.

"I can't believe I ever dated him to begin with," Corbins admits.  "I thought it was cute at first when he would leave me notes on my car or when he would break into my house to leave me flowers but then I quickly started getting a little creeped out by his behavior.  After three weeks I broke up with the guy and now I can't get rid of him."

Gibbons was not dissuaded by his Google Earth failure.  He said he plans to continue to use inventive ways to circumvent the restraining order.  He has recently purchased a telescope and is currently taking advanced classes in how to learn the techniques to become a Private Investigator. 

Corbins, for her part, has quit her job and plans to move away from the area to pursue a career in journalism in upstate New York.  She left no forwarding address.

Pre-Teen Discovers Masturbation, Hasn't Left Room For Weeks

Dallas, TX—12 year old Johnny Young can't recall exactly how it happened but knows that it was one of the greatest realizations of his young life.  Now, he feels like a man...even though he has still never had a date.  Yet there is a sense of calm about that because he feels with this new discovery it won't matter if he ever meets a girl.

"I was just hanging out in my room surfing the net when I stumbled randomly on to some bikini site," says Young.  "I felt something funny happen in my pants and I just thought I'd touch it."

What happened next was the greatest discovery most men have made at some point in their lives.

"It's crazy," he says smiling.  "It's like if you touch it long enough, then the best feeling ever happens."

Once the discovery was made he refused to come out of his room.  He spent 17 straight days in there until finally emerging due to injury. 

"There was some chafing," said a slightly embarrassed Young.

Young is very active in his school.  He will be an 8th grader next year at Northeast Middle School and makes a 4.0. He's in the band and is the president of the Chess Club. He also volunteers at the local old people's home and films the football games at his school.

"It's a good thing he found that," says his dad.  "He's already on a one way ticket to dweebville, so he's never going to get laid.  My only shot left for coolness legacy is his 4 year old sister.  Hopefully, she'll grow up to be a cheerleader.  They're all slutty."

For now, Young can sit back in his chair in his room and start to fondle the memories of things to come...even before the interview with him is over.

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Husband Stages Fake Search For Lost Dog

Fort Worth, TX—Local resident Wendal Harrisburg staged what appears to be a fake search and rescue to find his 8 year old yellow Labrador Retriever after the animal slipped out of his garage unnoticed on Monday morning. Harrisburg claims he was mowing his lawn when his dog, Jeeves, disappeared and remained missing for nearly 10 hours.  Harrisburg family members were incensed at Mr. Harrisburg for his failure to properly attend to the family pet.

"Dad has been trying to get rid of our dog for years and this is just his way of doing it," said 9 year old Justin Harrisburg.  "He let him out on purpose!"

"This is just like Wendal," claimed wife, Patti.  "I knew the minute he said the dog was gone it was him."

"Daddy made my best friend go away," added 4 year old, Jenna.

"What a dick!" said 16 year old Trent.

The family outcry forced Mr. Harrisburg to respond quickly and resolutely.  He immediately left the house and launched what he claimed was an "all out search for the animal."  Harrisburg was gone for nearly 4 hours as he, in his words, "scoured the neighborhood" for the dog to no avail.  He came home defeated from the search without Jeeves in tow.

"I did the very best I could," Harrisburg claimed as he reentered hostile territory.  "I looked everywhere and it appears that Jeeves is gone.  Some other family probably found him and is going to give him a good home."

Harrisburg's words were met with silence as he looked into the backyard only to discover his family playing with Jeeves.  The dog had returned on its own volition.  Harrisburg sighed and joined the festivities in the backyard.

"Thank God he's back," said Harrisburg to his suspicious family.

When pressed as to whether he did indeed search for the animal Harrisburg responded coyly.

"I did look for the dog.  And let me just tell you, I'm positive he wasn't at Starbucks."

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