5 JAN 2006

VOLUME 4  ISSUE 1

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IN THE NEWS

 
 

Woman Abandons New Year's Resolutions After 4 Days

 

Fort Worth, TX—Citing stress and a lack of sleep, Fort Worth native Nancy Lange, broke the last of her New Year's resolutions late Wednesday night when she ate an entire pint of Hagen Daz ice cream at 10:30 p.m.  Lange vowed to not only stop eating after 6 p.m. every evening but she further pledged to only consume one scoop of ice cream per week.  The double whammy of breaking both pledges officially marked the end of her New Year's resolutions.

 

"I gave it a good shot," said an unusually upbeat Lange.  "I made it a full three days without breaking my New Year's resolutions and now I can settle back into my own comfort zone and enjoy the routine.  This is the best I've ever done with resolutions."

 

Lange was unapologetic regarding her failed New Year's attempt and instead claimed that she was happy with the results of her resolutions.

 

"We have a new baby that is up all night and I work my job during the day," confesses Mrs. Lange.  "Those two things were bound to bring me down eventually because I use the Hagen Daz as my 'stress relief.' 

 

Her husband Steve was impressed by his wife commitment to her resolutions.

 

"I'm thoroughly impressed by her discipline," confessed Mr. Lange.  "Nancy has a tendency to give up on things pretty easily and this proves that when she puts her mind to something there is just no stopping her."

 

Mrs. Lange claims she plans to really vamp up for next year and her goal is to make it "through the first week of 2007 with resolutions in tact."  Although Mrs. Lange excitement by the prospect is obvious, her husband urges caution regarding next year's goals.

 

"Let's enjoy this moment for awhile before we start thinking about next year," Mr. Lange warns.  "A lot can happen in a year."

 

Researchers Identify Largest Prime Number And Largest Waste of Time Simultaneously

Kansas City, MOResearchers at Central Missouri State University have identified the largest known prime number. The number is a Mersenne prime known as M30402457 and is 9.1 million digits long.  Simultaneously, the researchers identified the biggest waste of time by a human being to be that of trying to find the largest known prime number.

"It's a little bitter sweet," said Dr. Steven Boone.  "On one hand we have been looking for this number for quite some time and initially we were all really excited."  Upon finding the number, the researchers embraced, hugged each other, and made out.  They then took to the other buildings on campus
to exclaim the jubilant news and found out that the news wasn't as great to other people as they had hoped.

"I was like, 'what the hell is this?'" said CMSU linebacker Kevin Donohue.  "All these science dweebs coming into the athletic building talking about numbers.  I can only count to five, I don't give a shit.  We haven't won a football game is above 5 years, so we have enough to worry about."

Upon returning back to the safe haven of the science building, the researchers then identified the other issue that has plagued scientists for years.

 

"It's great that we have identified the biggest waste of time by the human species," said Boone.  "But it kind of sucks to know that we were the actual cause of it."

The researchers are now searching for something else to research.  When asked if they will try to identify the next biggest prime number Boone said, "well, I guess we could just tack on a one to the end of that one."

He could, but that might be a waste of time.

 

DNA Exonerates Convicted Sheriff Killer In Deputy Shooting

 

Kingston Jamaica—For nearly two decades, what was considered a brutal double homicide is now being re-classified as a single act of self defense.  More than twenty years after the death of Sheriff John Brown, DNA evidence clears his killer, Robert Marlin, from the death of Sheriff Brown’s deputy. 

 

Ever since his arrest in 1973 Mr. Marlin has maintained his innocence.  Although pleading guilty to shooting the Sheriff in “self defense” Mr. Marlin has always maintained he was innocent of shooting the deputy.

 

In the spring of 1973 a young farmer named Robert Marlin claimed he shot the local Sheriff in self defense because according to trial transcripts “Sheriff John Brown always hated me.  For what I don’t know.  Every time that I plant a seed He said, ‘kill it before it grows.’” 

 

Johnny Cockrell, defense attorney for Mr. Marlin, has spent years trying to clear Mr. Marlin name of the Deputy murder. 

 

“Thanks to DNA evidence it appears Mr. Marlin did in fact not shoot the deputy,”  claimed a confident Cockrell. 

 

Recent rumors of a homosexual relationship between the Sheriff and the Deputy have come to light. 

 

“I didn’t want to say anything, but after seeing Broke back Mountain I realize there’s nothing dirty or wrong about gay love,”  said Suzie Brown, Sheriff John Brown’s wife.  “I admit it, I was a beard.  Don’t judge us, keep in mind it was the seventies, gay law enforcement officers were just not accepted,” she tearfully continued. 

 

According to other sources the deputy was so upset about the death of his lover, he took his own life with Mr. Marlin’s gun, thus explaining the DNA found on the gun.

 

When reached for comment about the DNA evidence and homosexual allegations a spokesman for the Marlin family said, “I always knew that one day the bottom would drop out, yes, one day the bottom will drop out.”

 

NEWS IN BRIEF:

 

 

Rhode Island Stoner Cites Sniffles As Reason For Possession Of "Medical Marijuana"

 

Newport, RI—Longtime pot smoker, Rob Handy, lobbied police officers to dismiss charges of possession of marijuana early Thursday morning after he claimed he was in compliance with state law that allows for the use of marijuana for medical purposes.  Handy, who was nabbed with nearly two ounces of pot, a bag of cheetos and a Mountain Dew claimed that he was using the drug to cure a case of the "sniffles."  Officers at the scene were not swayed by his claim and arrested Mr. Handy anyway.  While being led to the police car, Mr. Handy was heard saying, "Dude, you are soooo going to be sued for this."

 

Hacker Finds Fatal Flaw In Microsoft's Yet To Be Released "Vista" Operating System

 

Bend, Oregon—16 year old high school student, Brent Thomas, located and breached Microsoft's new operating system late Monday night after spending only two hours hunting around the new OS.  Thomas scored a pirated version of the OS and then began searching for flaws.  He was surprised to find that he almost immediately found a portal that need to be patched.  "I'm proud to be the first to breach this new OS.  It's exciting.  Although I know this is going to be short-lived because I'm not even the best hacker in my high school.  I'm maybe four or fifth best if you don't count Cory Henson who's in a minimum security prison for creating the SASSER WORM.  This new OS is going to take a beating."  Microsoft has already sent alerts to would-be buyers warning of the inherent flaw.

 

Light Hearted Dinner Party Officially Turns Dour As Matt Lauer Arrives

 

"We knew there had to be some kind of terrible tragedy if he showed up," says longtime friend.

 

Enron CEO Kenneth Lay Views Brokeback Mountain In Preparation For Lengthy Prison Term

 

"After watching that heartfelt movie I'm looking forward to my time in prison," claims fallen leader.

 
   

 

 

 

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