VOLUME 6  ISSUE 1

2 JANUARY 2008

TOP STORY

IN THE NEWS

State Of Iowa Set To Return To Insignificance Following Thursday's Caucuses

Des Moines, IA—Citizens of the state of Iowa were preparing late Wednesday to once again become one of the most insignificant states in the union as their caucus quickly approaches.  The state, which has enjoyed an unusual amount of national attention as of late, warned both business owners and their general population to prepare to be practically ignored by the rest of the nation following what many perceive to be a litmus test for a political candidates viability.  Although Iowa is currently headlining most national political stories at the moment, experts say Iowa will not likely be mentioned in the press again until 2011 barring a a series of serial killings or a severe church fire.

"Today I told my constituents that they should prepared to be ignored like a woman after a one night stand," Governor Chet Culver said.  "Prepare for the nation to look us in the eye and say, 'Your money's on the dresser, Iowa.  I'm through with you.'  I feel the need to be honest with our citizens so that they don't get their feelings hurt."

Many Iowans were shocked by the Governor's honesty and admitted that had he not been so forthcoming, they easily could have gotten their feelings hurt.

"I was starting to the think the United States was beginning to think we were cool." admitted resident Patti Roggendorf.  "We were getting all this attention and I was hoping that maybe Iowa was going to start getting a seat at the proverbial table.  Now I realize this nation was just using us like the warm up wine cooler before going to the really cool party."

The rest of the nation openly admitted that it is essentially using Iowa and will soon be through with the 29th state.

"It was fun being in Iowa," confessed Democratic hopeful Barack Obama.  "Iowa is a lot like riding a moped.  She's a lot of fun to ride when you're friends aren't watching," Obama continued while giggling to himself.  "You know, kinda like Hillary Clinton."

Republican hopefuls weighed in as well.

"Goodbye, Iowa," said Republican Rudy Giuliani, "I'd love to say I'm going to call you but my history with going through women should tell you I'm moving on.  Hell, I moved out of Gracie Mansion when I was Governor just to get away from my then current wife.  I wouldn't wait by the phone, Iowa."

A spokesman for the State of Iowa claims it is preparing to return back to 20 years in time.

Hollywood Writer's Strike Exposes Quick Witted Actor As Just "A Really Good Reader"

Hollywood, CA—Fans of the television show According To Jim were surprised and disappointed late last week upon meeting the star of the show Jim Belushi.  Fan club president Carla Sestion had been waiting nearly a year to meet the star but was quickly surprised by how "not funny" he was.

"On the show Jim always has something clever to say Cheryl so I was really looking forward to having a little tete-a-tete banter with him," admitted Sestion.  "But every time I had something to say to him he just stared at me blankly.  I asked him what his problem was but he said he 'just wasn't on his game.'"

Privately, however, Belushi was embarrassed by his poor showing with Sestion.

"I try to stay close with my fans, especially my fan club presidents," admitted Belushi.  "I like to verbally jostle with them.  But ever since my writer's went on strike I just have nothing to say to them.  We've got to end this strike or I'm...,"

Belushi stopped before coming up with a metaphor.

"What a disappointment!" Sestion proclaimed.  "It turns out the quick witted love of my life is just a really good reader.  I am seriously thinking about starting a fan club for the writer's now."

Area Man To Downgrade From Heroin To Smoking As New Year's Resolution

Plano, TX—Local junkie Chet Ashton is taking the opportunity to start 2008 by getting clean.  The local unemployed guitar player claims he is finally prepared to "get the monkey off his back" by going cold turkey and quitting heroin for cigarettes.  Ashton started the year off by locking himself in a bedroom in his parent's Plano home with two cartons of Paul Mall cigarettes and a gallon of orange juice to rid himself of his addiction.

"I don't want to be addicted to heroin any more," admitted the 29 year old.  "I would much rather be addicted to cigarettes.  At least I can smoke those in public without being ostracized by my friends and family.  With heroin, if you accidentally puke one time on your parent's new white carpeting you're ostracized forever," Ashton said while banging his head against the bedroom wall.

Ashton claims he plans to join Narcotics Anonymous immediately after getting clean in an attempt to stay sober.  He claims having a support group with give him more of a chance of success.

"I went to one N.A. meeting before attempting to quit heroin and the people seemed nice," confessed Ashton.  "They just sat around and chain smoked cigarettes and talked about how much they missed doing heroin.  I must admit, they're my kinda of people."

Ashton admits he really detests the taste of cigarettes but he hopes to acquire a taste for them before officially going to his first N.A. meeting.

"Everyone told me if I ever plan on quitting heroin I should really find something less fatal to replace it.  Cigarettes seem the obvious answer," says Ashton.  "It's going to take at least 30 years for these things to kill me.  And as hard as I'm banging my head against the wall right now, this heroin would have killed me in less than a week."

Food Critic Raves, “That is Some Tasty Shit”

It was the best review Gary’s ever got…and the last.