Huey Lewis Finds Entire Life's Work In 25 Cent Discount Bin

Albuquerque, NM—Former rock and roll legend Huey Lewis sank into a deep depression late Monday after he discovered what amounted to his entire life's work in the discount bin at The Music Exchange in downtown Albuquerque.  Lewis, who was searching for a discount copy of Bobby Womack's Greatest Hits, was shocked to discover his own Greatest Hits compilation located in the bin.

"It was bad enough that it was in there but it was only 25 cents," a saddened Lewis was heard saying.  "I worked an entire lifetime and all it amounts to is a quarter.  Certainly they could have listed it at a higher price than that.  My work is worth more than that."

Mr. Lewis was livid at the pricing structure and quickly confronted the management at the store.  Representatives at the store were quick to defend the pricing of the CD.

"We started the CD at $3.99 and we didn't have any takers," explains Music Exchange store manager Ralph Peterson,  "We continued discounting the CD and will do so until we sell it and get it out of our stock."

Lewis fumed after receiving the explanation.

"This guy wouldn't know the first thing about creating art," Lewis claimed.  "The fact that this guy is arbitrarily judging the worth of my work at a quarter is insulting to me.  I can't believe he has the nerve to even imply this."

Peterson was not deterred by Lewis' argument.

"We still don't have proof that Huey Lewis Greatest Hits is even worth a quarter because no one has bought it," Peterson countered.  "The market place decides what something is worth and right now Mr. Lewis may have to come to terms with the fact that his work may only be worth a dime."

Lewis was so incensed he decided to purchase the CD on his own.  He removed a dollar from his wallet and bought the CD.  When the clerk prepared to give him his change he quickly rebuffed the change saying, "Keep the change.  My career is at least worth a dollar."

New York Odor Traced to Man's "Pulled Finger"

New York, NY—After a foul smell enveloped most of Manhattan and parts of New Jersey, many people suspected a possible terrorist attack.  The true source of the smell made its origins from a 7 year old's birthday party in New York City.  Tyler Moore was having a great time at his birthday party when his uncle Gary came up and to Tyler and his friends and asked him to pull his finger.  What happened next would affect millions.
 
As soon as Tyler pulled his uncle's finger, Gary Moore unleashed a fart that was so insane that it knocked down Tyler and four of his friends causing severe watering of the eyes of all those in attendance of the party.  The smell traveled for miles in all directions.
 
Ron Billings, New York Smell Analyst, said that the smell was so foul terrorism was on his mind from the beginning.

"We knew it had to be some sort of chemical attack.  The smell had an evil feel to it."
 
Federal Agents tracked the smell to the Moore's house and in effect, Gary Moore's finger.  Moore was taken into custody and questioned for hours.  He was finally released after it was determined that he was just an old, creepy, gassy, American.
 
"I take pride in my gas," said Moore, "but I'll have to put the old finger away.  It caused too much trouble."
 
Still, Moore's finger may not be retired yet.  The United States government is looking into possibly using the finger and its gaseous deployment vehicle as a possible counter-terrorism tactic.

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Former Planet, Pluto, Enters Drug Rehab After Being Demoted To Dwarf Planet Status

Milky Way—Nearly 6 months after being stripped of its planetary status, celestial being Pluto grudgingly entered an alcohol and drug treatment center to "try and get its life back together."  For nearly 80 years Pluto was considered one of the hottest new comers to the Milky Way after being discovered by Clyde Tombaugh when the astronomer was observing the galaxy after consuming hallucinogenic mushrooms.

"The first time I saw Pluto it was like watching Charlie Chapman.  It was magic," Tombaugh was to have reportedly said it late 1935.  "I knew from moment one that this rock had all the potential to become one of the best in the galaxy."

Tombaugh took the young planet under his wing and quickly made Pluto into the hottest rock in the Milky Way.  Soon planets like Neptune and Venus found that their work as planets soon became "status quo and passé" and Pluto's newfound attention began creating derision in the galaxy. 

"Things were going really well with the eight of us planets before Pluto came in," and angry Mercury fumed while reminiscing on the past.  "That little f**ker started thinking he was the sh** as the new guy.  He started hitting on my girl, Saturn, and that was when I couldn't take it any more.  I said I was going to do anything in my power to whack that son of a bitch."

Retribution came in the from of expulsion from the planetary system.  The eight other planets started whisper campaigns disparaging Pluto.  Rumors circulated about Pluto's sexual orientation which caused astronomers on Earth to actively seek a ban on Pluto's status.

Things came to a head this August when The International Astronomical Union voter overwhelmingly to strip Pluto of planetary status citing "size and mass" as the reasons for the decision.

"The IAU booted Pluto out because of their anti-gay agenda," claims an anonymous source in the galaxy.  "As soon as Mercury started his whisper campaign it was all over for Pluto.  He was doomed.  Mercury is nothing but a bully."

In the ensuing 6 months, Pluto took his expulsion very hard.  He began drinking excessively and taking prescription pain relievers.  His size shrunk to nearly half of his original size threatening even his new "dwarf status." 

After sitting by idly, finally the Sun intervened and demanded that Pluto seek help.  Pluto will be unavailable during his 30 day in patient treatment.  The IAU remains firm that he will not be admitted into the Elite Eight again.

Guy In Coach Normally Flies First Class

Dallas, TX—American Airlines coach passenger Clark Westin made it clear to fellow passenger Belinda Baker that he normally never flies coach and was only in a downgraded seat due to a "mix up."  Westin claimed the morning flight to Los Angeles was overbooked and although he had Executive Platinum status he was relegated to fly coach.

"I don't fly coach," Westin told Baker while sitting in the middle seat in the coach area of the plane.  "I'm doing it today as a favor to American Airlines but rest assured I'll never do it again."

Ms. Baker listened intently to the first five minutes of Westin's speech until finally, when she couldn't take any more, she furtively put on the ear buds of her IPOD.

"He just would not shut the f*** up about flying coach," Baker admitted while deboarding the plane.  "I really didn't give a sh*t if he normally flew first class or not but he kept talking about it constantly.  Maybe he thought it would impress me enough that I'd want to go out with him but I thought he was a pretentious boob."

Westin overheard the comment and quickly retorted. 

"That's why I don't fly coach, everyone is coach is low-class scum."