Study:  Alcohol Consumption Increases Risk Of Pregnancy

Baltimore, MD—A recent study by Dr. Richard Sims of Johns Hopkins University found conclusive links to alcohol consumption and pregnancy.  The ten year study showed an elevated risk in pregnancy in women who consume alcohol and further concluded that as alcohol consumption rises the risk of pregnancy rises nearly ten fold for every subsequent drink.  The study found the risk especially high among teenage girls with little or no tolerance for alcohol.

"I developed my hypothesis after I impregnated my then girlfriend, now wife, in my senior year in medical school," admits lead scientist Dr. Richard Sims.  "We were both heavily imbibing adult elixirs which lead us down the path of passionate fornication.  Our night of bliss caused our independent cells to seek each other out thereby creating the unification of our mutually exclusive cells to bond together to create a new life.  We called this new life Nate."

The results of the new study has prompted the Surgeon General of the United States to consider placing warning labels on all alcoholic beverages warning of the increased risk of pregnancy and has further prompted Congress to consider raising the drinking age to 27 years of age.  Congressional leaders feel that this may be the most effective way to reduce teenage pregnancies and to also limit the amount of lower income babies from being born.

"With the population explosion that is going on it seems to me that this might be the only course of action," claims Congressman John Boehner.  "If we can further restrict alcohol to those that can't handle it or can't afford the side effects, i.e. a minority baby, then we will be able to deal with the problem of an overcrowded world," he continued while drinking his fourth glass of Johnny Walker Blue Scotch.

Major alcohol distributing companies have gone on the offensive against the proposed legislation.  Miller Lite, Budweiser and Kettle One Vodka have all purchased advertising to dispute the study and some have taken even more drastic steps.

"The Miller Lite company will offer a free condom to anyone who buys a six pack of beer," says spokeswoman Mary Ehrhardt.  Miller Lite's newest ad touts the slogan, "Just because you're drunk doesn't mean you can't wear a jimmy hat."

Guiliani Uses 9/11 To Get Out Of Housework

New York, NY – Rudolph Giuliani, the former mayor of New York City who is currently seeking the Republican nomination in the 2008 United States presidential election, is being accused by his current wife of using his 9/11 credentials to get out daily household chores.

“It seems like every time I ask him to take out the trash these days, he’s bringing up 9/11 and telling me how he can’t do it out of respect for the victims that died that day,” explained Judith Giuliani, Rudolph’s third wife. “He’s even started using the 9/11 tragedy as a substitute for being able to do things around the house that he’s never done before.”

A leaky faucet in the kitchen seems to support his wife’s point of view, but Mr. Giuliani still thinks that he is capable of doing anything given his 9/11 experiences.

“Look, I was the mayor of one of America’s largest cities during a terrorist attack, so I think that qualifies me as being to be able to fix that leaky faucet.”

But despite Mr. Giuliani’s 9/11 experiences, he still hasn’t been able to stop the leak and his wife just wishes that he would act like he did before 9/11.

“I’m not saying that that day wasn’t an important event in our nation’s history, but why should he use it as an excuse to keep our house from being cleaned? He doesn’t even pick up his dirty clothes off of the floor anymore. I mean, if he’s going to wear my clothes, the least he should do is pick them up after he’s done wearing them.”