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11 JAN 2007 |
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VOLUME 5 ISSUE 2 |
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TOP STORY |
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IN THE NEWS |
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Alabama Schools To Teach De-evolution
Montgomery, AL—Governor
Bob Riley announced today that schools in Alabama will begin teaching
de-evolution as an alternative to the current federal curriculum of teaching
some evolution.
"We clearly have seen no signs of evolution here in the great state of Alabama," admitted the governor. "If anything, we've found that there may be a regression of human evolution and we feel it is necessary to instruct our children accordingly."
The announcement was surprisingly met with little resistance from the 49 other states in the union and more than 10 states publicly supported Alabama's choice to start teaching de-evolution.
Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced his full-fledged support of the idea.
"Anyone who has ever been to Alabama knows that this is something that these people need to be taught," said Bush. "I have driven through Alabama countless times a good many of those people are only one chromosome away from being talking monkeys. Honestly, they make my brother look like a Rhodes Scholar."
The new curriculum will take effect immediately and will be presented to students in picture book form and will roll out simultaneously with the state's new motto: Alabama, Go Back In Time.
Kidney Donor Won't Let Recipient "Forget What He Did For Him"
Sanger, TX—Roger Fredrickson did something few people would have the courage or the heart to do. He recently made the ultimate sacrifice by donating his kidney to his younger brother, Rodney. The move drew wide praise from the Fredrickson family but now Rodney claims he wishes he would have never accepted the generous donation.
Friction has been building between the two brothers and now both men find that they don't even want to be in the same room together. Roger has said he will no longer be seen in the same room as his once ailing brother.
"Rodney is an ungrateful **ck," a heated Roger explained. "He was damn near dead until I came to the rescue and now that little fu**e* barely even talks to me. The other day I asked him to borrow $100 and he wouldn't even do that," Roger continued. "Then I just casually mentioned that he wouldn't even have any money if I didn't donate my kidney to him."
The rift between the two brothers has grown so acrimonious that Rodney is now searching to replace the kidney that his brother donated to him with another kidney.
"I'm not totally sure this is possible but I'd like to replace the replacement," confesses Rodney. "I want to be clear and free of owing anything to Roger. Hell, the new kidney doesn't even have to be a blood match. I'll just tough it out."
From our archives:
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Dick in a Box Christmas Present Not Well Received
Fort Worth, TX—There
comes a time in a relationship where you know each other a little too well.
The romance
“I decided to try something silly for her Christmas present this year. We’d taken many trips this year and I thought an extravagant gift would just be overkill," Harmon explained. “A buddy of mine sent me an email with a video from that Saturday night skit show about the guy from the Super bowl halftime show with that one chick’s boob. You know the real gay looking dude. Anyway he cut a hole in a box and gave his girlfriend his pecker. It was hilarious… and the girlfriend was flattered.”
Needless to say the “silly” gift was a complete disaster.
“I’ve been staying at a hotel for a few nights,” says sheepish Harmon. “I’ve sent flowers, candy and a Starbucks gift card, but she still won’t take my call. I just don’t see what the big deal is.”
His girlfriend, Michelle, had a completely different perspective.
“The thing that makes this a big deal is we’ve been dating for nearly three years," complained Michelle. “I was expecting an engagement ring.”
Harmon claims that this has all been a misunderstanding and he hopes Michelle can find it in her heart to forgive him.
“The real problem is I was going to propose to her after the joke gift," sighed Harmon. “But I couldn’t because it would have just looked like I was just trying to get out of the dog house. I swear, as God as my witness, I will never put my dick in a box ever again.”
Although Harmon remains contrite, Michelle still wonders what went so horrible wrong.
“Ever since I was a little girl I’ve always dreamed I would be proposed to on Christmas,” claimed Michelle. “When I saw he was carrying that tiny ring box in front of him on Christmas I just knew he was going to propose.”
21,500 Lucky Americans To Receive All Expense Paid Trip To Iraq
Washington, DC—The Bush Administration announced today that more than 21,000 "lucky Americans" would receive an all expense paid trip to Iraq compliments of the United States government.
"We have decided to roll out the red carpet for these mostly poor minorities to give them the opportunity to travel on our dime, wear our military uniform and see the world," White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said today. "And while they are over there we thought they could help defend out country against the forces of evil." |
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"He
won't let me live it down," admits Rodney. "Every time I see him he
finds some passive aggressive way of bringing up the fact that he gave me a
kidney. The other day he asked me if he could borrow my car and when I
said "no" he quickly replied, 'you sure didn't say "no" when I offered my
kidney.'"
dies down a bit, familiarity sets in and the special occasion gifts tend to
drift away from romance and lean towards practical. Fort Worth native
Kurt Harmon found himself in this predicament after dating his girlfriend,
Michelle, for nearly three years. Kurt decided to get away from practical this Christmas
and get back to romantic.