VOLUME 6  ISSUE 2

10 JANUARY 2008

TOP STORY

IN THE NEWS

Bush Reportedly Signs Deal To Rewrite History Book

Washington, DC—A spokesman for Harper Collins announced today that President Bush has signed on to rewrite history in a book that will more favorably look back on his administration.  White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said that the president has already started rewriting history by penning such chapters as, "Winning Iraq", "How Strong Leadership Avoided Catastrophe in New Orleans", and "The Economy is Strong."  The president and his staff plan to continue working on the book throughout the final year of his administration and he hopes to have rewritten history in time to pass off his failures to the next Democratic Administration.

"The president is working harder than ever rewriting history in the hopes of having it finished by the end of this calendar year," Perino said.  Many of the best chapters are being written right now and we hope that everyone enjoys the president's take on the events of the last eight years and also to realize that we couldn't have had all this success without the president."

The president is said to be receiving a lot of input on rewriting the history book from the Vice President Cheney who has also penned chapters for the upcoming book.  Cheney has scribed such chapters as, "We'll Be Greeted As Liberators" and "How Valerie Plame Betrayed This Country and Weakened National Security".

The rewritten history book will reportedly weigh in at more than 10,000 pages and will be accompanied by doctored Photo Shopped pictures to accentuate the text.

"It's a real honor to be able to rewrite history," the president reportedly claimed.  "Now we can get the ending exactly the way we wanted it.  We defeated terrorism, gas prices have fallen, health care is fixed, social security is available to all, global warming has been minimized and the gap between the rich and the poor is smaller," the president said smiling.  "Now I'm out, bitches!"

UFO Alien Fails To Vote For Dennis Kucinich

Nasua, NH—Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich was saddened late Tuesday night to discover that the alien he spotted years ago failed to vote for him in the New Hampshire primary.  The alien, called &)))*##!! on his planet, claimed he didn't cast his vote for Kucinich because "that guy is too fucking kooky."

"I looked at all the candidates and I decided against voting for Kucinich because he's just too out there," &)))*##!! said.  "I mean sure, he was nice to me a few years ago but he dates a chick with a metal rod through her tongue and he has ears that are bigger than our current leader on my planet, ^^^#@*&%%$#," &)))*##!! went on to say.

The Kucinich campaign was "deeply saddened" that &)))*##!! failed to vote for him in the primary.

"We were the once who convinced &)))*##!! to come to Earth to live and become a voter in New Hampshire," campaign manager Gary Jelinek claimed, "We told him we'd welcome him...we let him into your home...we told people he existed and wasn't a figment of people's imagination...and this is how he repays us.  This feels like a betrayl."

&)))*##!! for his part was unmoved by the Kucinich campaign.

"I didn't want to waste my vote for one of my own," &)))*##!!.  Kucinich was a horrible leader on our planet, I certainly didn't want to move to Earth and have him fuck up this country as well.  I think it's important to tell everyone this guy is pretty much bat shit crazy.  I mean, he believes in me for Christ's sake and I'm an alien."

Mitt Romney's Wives Actively Campaigning To See Who Will Be First Lady

Detroit, MI—A spokesman for Mitt Romney's presidential campaign announced today that if Romney wins the Republican nomination his multiple wives will have to go through a vigorous process to see who will be the official First Lady of the United States of America.  Romney, a devout Mormon, is allowed to have more than one wife due to his religion and is said to be leaning towards his first wife, Ann, as his choice for First Lady.

"I have been with Ann the longest of any of my wives and it is my hope that she will become the First Lady when I'm elected," Romney claimed while relaxing drinking a Coca Cola following campaigning. 

Since Romney's religion allows for multiple wives the U.S. Constitution states that all of his spouses must participate in an election to see whom will hold the post of First Lady.  Ordinarily, most presidential candidates only have one wife so the incumbent receives the position because she is unchallenged.  The arcane section of the Constitution further states that if a candidate has more than one wife only one may reside in the White House.  All other wives must live away from the White House.

"I really want to be president," claimed Romney while eating a slice of apple pie, "but this article in the Constitution is really going to cause me a lot of trouble at home.  My wives are never going to let me hear the end of this when they aren't allowed to live in the White House."

Ann Romney claims she is up for the challenge of campaigning to be First Lady.

"I was Mitt's first and I feel that I will definitely end up sleeping beside him in the Residence," Ann Romney claimed.  "I've learned from the best, my husband, on how to campaign and I will say whatever I have to say to get elected First Lady.  I told Mitt I'll start giving him more blow jobs if he allows me to be First Lady."

The campaign for First Lady will begin if Romney receives the Republican nod.  On the Democratic side, potential First Gentleman Bill Clinton has been told he will not be allowed to have any girlfriends in the White House.

It Happened On This Day

Three Years Ago:  Democratic front runner and sure thing for president, Howard Dean, hires interior decorating team to give White House new look.

Eight Years Ago:  Y2K looms large threatening to end computer use as we know it.  Population turns to human interaction bringing peace and harmony throughout the world. 

13 Years Ago:  American jurors learn invaluable lesson in O.J. Simpson trial.  Vow to never again to allow criminals to walk free.

Twenty Three Years Ago:  Live Aid pop concert raises millions for starving people in Africa.  Authorities pledge never again to allow anyone in Africa to starve.

Fifty-three Years Ago:  Elvis Pressley arrested for groundbreaking "pelvis dance" and pledges to abandon all future erotic dancing.

One Hundred and three Years Ago:  Albert Einstein publishes "Special Theory of Relativity".  World rebukes theory as bunk.