Ft. Worth, TX—Shawn Reynolds had been bitching about the environment to his friends for the past few years.   He constantly is talking about the need to recycle and goes on rants about how the Bush Administration has done nothing to lower the green house effect or carbon dioxide emissions.

When his friends asked him if he was doing everything that he could do for the environment since he was driving an SUV, Reynolds took action.  He hurried to a local Toyota dealer and bought himself a Prius.

“Yeah, my buds were trying to catch me, you know, I complain about others, but yet I’m not doing my part,” said Reynolds, “But I showed them.  Plus, it’s green…get it…cause we’re going green.”

His friends are not impressed.

“Now it sucks even more because now when we go to find some chicks, they think we’re all gay when we’re in his bitch ass Prius,” said friend Tommy Slims.

“It doesn’t matter,” says Reynolds, “I don’t want to be some chick who complains about an environmental friendly ride.”

Reynolds then filled up his already used water bottle.  “See what I’m doing?  Filling up an empty water bottle.  Yeah, that way I don’t waste and hurt the environment by buying plastic.  The earth must think I’m pretty awesome.”

Search For Bobby Fischer Ends

Reykjavík, Iceland—A nearly twenty year search for chess great Bobby Fischer came to an unceremonious ending nearly one week ago when the iconoclastic genius was he was found dead in his apartment.  Chess fans mourned the loss of their nerd hero but many rejoiced that another parlor game came to an abrupt conclusion.

"I have wondered where Bobby Fischer has been for years," claimed Dallas chess fanatic Barton Melston.  "My friends and I used to discuss this at length about his whereabouts and on a couple occasions our discussions got pretty heated and almost turned to fisticuffs.  But now, we know where his is:  in the ground."

Now, like Elvis before him, Fischer will likely become someone that some chess fans refuse to believe is dead with speculation already running rampant that this is just another "Fischer Hoax."  Officials quickly put the theories to rest.

"He's dead.  I saw him," claimed Medical Examiner Josiah Broahemoul.  "He was sitting naked in front of a chess board with a pawn in his hand.  It looked as if he was about to make a huge blunder on the chess board.  I would have captured with the knight" claimed Broahemoul, still kabitzing another Fischer match.  "The search for Fischer is over.  Fellow nerds can now relax.

Giuliani Mentions 9/11 911 Times In Final Speech

Ground Zero—Rudy Giuliani made one last ditch effort to try and sway voters back into his favor even though he had dropped out of the Repulican primary race and gave his endorsement to John McCain.  In inexplicable reasoning, Giuliani tried to get the voters to bring him back into the forefront by giving one last speech.

In his speech he mentioned 9/11 exactly 911 times, sometimes when it seemed the least relevant.  Here is a brief excerpt from the speech:

“So I ask you to follow your post 9/11 hearts and vote 9/11 for me.  I’ve been through a lot since 9/11 and now, more than ever, as I’ve already conceded, like a tower on 9/11, I ask for the people to rise up and support 9/11.  Bring hope back to this country.  9/11, 9/11, 9/11."

The speech,  just as his campaign, didn’t go over as well as he hoped and he left only to mention to a reporter when asked what he as going to do now, he smiled and said “9/11.”