Atlanta, GA—CNN, one of the leading 24-hour cable news networks, announced plans today to become ANN, the Anna Nicole Network, named after Anna Nicole Smith, the former Playboy Playmate and TRIMSPA spokesperson who recently died in her hotel room at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida.

“We’ve been covering every single detail of her death since it happened and people just can’t seem to get enough of it.  It’s been a huge boon for our ratings,” explained Nick Bishop, the head of the programming for the network.  “We’ve reported on everything from how saddened and heartbroken her family is to what was in her refrigerator the night she died.  For years, we’ve dubbed ourselves, “The Most Trusted Name In News,” but now we plan on being the “The Most Trusted Name In Anna Nicole Smith’s News.”

Cathy Harrison, a long-time viewer and part-time legal assistant, is pleased with the decision.

“I’m so glad that CNN has been covering her death so closely. For instance, everyone knows about the Methadone and Slim Fast that was in her Fridge, but only CNN revealed that there was French's Worcestershire Sauce, yogurt and spray butter in there too.”

Mr. Bishop also revealed that CNN plans to considerably modify its daily programming to accommodate the recent demand.

“Some of the shows that you love to watch will now primarily focus on Anna Nicole Smith’s life after death.”

Mr. Bishop provided a “sneak peek” at an upcoming show line-up, which included the following shows:

• “CNN Presents: Anna Nicole Smith”

• “Larry King Live With People That Knew Anna Nicole Smith”

• “The Anna Nicole Smith Situation Room”

When asked if CNN’s intense focus on Ms. Smith’s death would detract from other news such as Iraq, Mrs. Harrison replied.

“Who’s Iraq?”

Scooter Libby Searching For New Nickname As Prison Sentence Looms

Washington, DC—As the jury in the I. Scooter Libby trial deliberated for the second straight day, privately Libby began aggressively looking for a new nickname in case of an impending conviction.  Friends close to Libby claim he has been asking them to refer to him as "Snake" or "Killer" lately in the hopes of having a new nickname stick so that he seems tougher.

"Scooter is really worried about his first night in prison," admits an anonymous source that refused to talk on the record for fear of reprisals.  "He really thinks with a name like Scooter he is going to be a target to be 'taken advantage of.'"

"Scooter is worried about getting ass raped," a more blunt anonymous source that refused to talk on the record for fear of reprisals claims.  "He asked me to call him Snake but I told him that might not be much better if he really thought about it.  I mean hell, using the name Snake might actually turn them on."

As the noose around Libby's neck tightens, he has taken additional steps to appear tough.  He has laser removed the life-sized head of Dick Cheney off of his chest and replaced it with the symbol for the Crips in Los Angeles.

"It's really kind of sad," confesses another anonymous source that refused to talk on the record for fear of reprisals.  "No one thinks Scooter is even that tough nor does anyone fear him," the source continued after verifying that his statement would be used only anonymously.

Those closest to Libby feel that he has settled on "The Hatchet" as his new nickname.

"No one in prison is going to try to take advantage of someone named The Hatchet," says another anonymous source that refused to talk on the record for fear of reprisals.  "And on top of that, there is almost no way you can make that into a double entendre."

The general population in Folsom Prison in Folsom, California strongly disagrees.

Family Portrait Fails To Capture Pre-Picture Chaos

Ft. Worth, TX—Tim and Mary Pratt were in love with their new baby girl, Eliza.  Eliza was born a week ago and was the newest addition to their family that already consisted of a 5 year old boy named Wesley and a 3 year old girl named Ava.  The couple thought it was time to update their family pictures, so they scheduled a photo session.

It was trouble from the beginning.  They had to wait 45 minutes because the photographer was behind and the kids began to get restless.

"It started to go into their naptimes," said Mary.  "We were starting to get worried.

They continued to wait and wait and they exhausted all snacks and toys in a rapid manner.  The kids began to get fussy.  Eliza began crying non-stop because of gas, Ava couldn't find her favorite pony toy, and Wes started to just walk around the store and pinching people.

Finally, they were called in when another ordeal began. They had to redo Ava's hair because she had pulled her bows out and Wesley had spilled red Gatorade on her white shirt.  They also had to wait for a window when Eliza wasn't crying.

Once they got situated by the photographer, Vanessa Palos, they had to wait for all the kids to be looking at the camera.

"It took another fifteen minutes of me making stupid faces and sounds until I got them all to look," said Palos.  "It was about the normal time with every family."

Then, an extraordinary thing happened.  When the couple looked back at the proofs, they noticed that they looked like a happy, healthy, loving family.

"You never would have known the hell and carnage that took place beforehand" said Tim.

Other families around the world are noticing the same thing and it seems that this phenomena has been occurring probably since the beginning of film.

Father Fails To Show Picture Of Newborn Child

Richardson, TX—In a stunning turn of events, new dad Josh Hobarts failed to show a small group of his friends pictures of his newborn son, Sabastian .  The group, gathering in celebration of Hobarts' 26 birthday, met late Friday at Benihanas restaurant in Richardson, Texas. 

After a large meal and numerous sake bombs, the group found themselves in the parking lot of the restaurant ending the evening.  Hobarts was the first to get into his vehicle for the drunken ride home.  Upon leaving, friend Revilo Lutts realized Hobarts failed to show one picture of his son to anyone at the dinner party.

"Personally, I was thankful I didn't have to see pictures of the kid," claims Lutts.  "I never know what to say when I see pictures of little babies anyway.  Most of the time I think they look ugly.  And if everyone is being honest no one gives a shit about looking at pictures of someone's kid."

Not everyone at the dinner party shared Lutt's opinion.  Party-goer Ellen Johnson was appalled by the slight.

"What an asshole that guy is," an irate Johnson claimed.  "He doesn't even care enough about his new baby to show us pictures.  When I had my five kids I always made a point of showing my friends pictures and videos."

Upon hearing the news, Hobarts was far from apologetic.

"I was loaded," Hobarts admitted.  "The last thing on my mind was showing everyone pictures.  I was more worried about practicing the alphabet out loud just in case I was stopped by the police." Hobarts confessed.

Hobart's wife, Alicia, didn't agree.  To remedy the slight she has created a website filled with pictures for anyone who was overlooked.

"I'm sorry Josh failed to show our friends Sabastian's pictures.  In the future I will see to it he will never pass up the opportunity to show pictures of the precious gift we brought into the world," a contrite Mrs. Hobarts admitted.

Friends of the Hobarts may view photos of the newborn at: www.lookatourbeautifulbabyisn'tshejustgorgeous.com.

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