Kennedy County, Texas—News spread quickly throughout the country that Vice President Dick Cheney had wounded close friend and lawyer Harry Whittington during a weekend hunting trip.  The White House press corp wasted no time in pressing Mr. Cheney's spokesmen for answers to the most important questions:

"Where did the shooting take place?"  "Who is Harry Whittington?" and "Why did the Vice President shoot at someone who wasn't in Al Queda or a Democrat?"

The answer to those questions weren't to be found on that ranch in Texas, or in the press briefing room in Washington, but rather 2000 miles to the west, in the Compton area of Los Angeles, home to the notorious Crips street gang.  According to Russell "EZ Killa" Washington, this shooting is all part of a bigger plan.

"That (expletive deleted) was bound to happen once 'Tookie' (Crips founder, Stanley 'Tookie' Williams, who was executed for his crimes) was out the picture," said Washington from his jail cell, where he is serving a thirty-five year sentence for possession of three tablets of Oxycontin.  "His punk (expletive deleted) just wants to try and take over while can't nobody stop him."

For the next twenty minutes, "EZ Killa" related the tale of how he says Cheney began running with the Crips, hoping to work his way up to becoming leader someday.

"He realized he wasn't never gonna be president, so he decided to start rollin' out here with us, trying to run down his game and (expletive deleted).  Him and his boy, Robert, but he didn't go by that.  He made us call Robert 'Rush', and he told us to call him 'Cyborg', on account of his robot heart, and the fact that he said he'd shoot a (expletive deleted) without feeling."

"We knew his (expletive deleted) was serious about taking over when he had Tookie executed.  That (expletive deleted) can't be stopped, he can do anything he wants!  Why you think I'm in jail for three (expletive deleted) tablets, when his boy got caught with a truckload of that (expletive deleted)?"

At that moment, the phone was heard falling to the floor, as EZ Killa was dragged back to his cell, leaving more unanswered questions.

Turin, Italy—Downhill ski racer, Bode Miller, is in hot water once again.  During a routine run yesterday, the brash World Cup champion recklessly collided head-on into a family of four who were watching the event nearby.

But the newly formed group, MADDS (Mothers Against Drunk Downhill Skiers), would like to change all that.

“We need rules to get these people off of the slopes to make them safe for everyone again,” insisted Margaret Stiles, the president of MADDS.  “Mr. Miller was going 80mph when he hit that family!  Their 8-year old daughter was knocked 30-feet away from the scene of the crash and right into a snowdrift.  They found that poor little girl’s mittens hanging up in a tree.”

The family has since been taken to a local hospital where they are recovering from minor injuries.  In the meantime, Olympic officials have begun an investigation into the incident.  When asked what happened, a fellow skier tried to recount the day’s events.

 "He was weaving all over the place coming down the hill in practice, but that’s normal for a slalom run, so I didn’t think anything of it.  But when I noticed that he was skiing really close behind everyone on the way to lunch, I started to get suspicious.  Then, at the top of the hill before the race, he started yelling, “It’s Miller time!” and actually chugged a Miller beer.  After that, he got into his tuck position and the rest is history.”

Bush Still Can't Believe He Doesn't Have Lesbian Vote

Washington, DC—After 5 years in office, support for President Bush has fluctuated to say the least.  One voter base that has remained consistently against Bush is the lesbian vote.  Bush has held firm on his stance against
gay marriage and the homosexual community has never embraced the president as one of their own.  Bush still has problems understanding why he doesn't have the support of the lesbian community.

"I mean, I thought for sure they would vote for me," said the president as he urinated in one of the White House bathrooms.  "I just don't get it why they wouldn't."

Some lesbian activists who engage in lesbian activities were quick to point out that they don't support the president, never have and never will.

"There's not much Bush that I would say no to," said No-Bush sayer Jessica Glenn at a local softball field.  "But this Bush just leaves a bad taste in my mouth."

Neither Bush, George H. W. and George W., have never really had the support from this demographic.