P&G Announces Line Of Diapers For Stalkers

“My husband is a salesman and has to fly off to business all the time.  Anyway, he has suddenly been going to Memphis, TN a lot more lately so I started snooping around on his computer and found some interesting e-mails.  Well, it turns out that he’s been seeing a female co-worker for the past eight months while I’m sitting at home taking care of the kids! But thanks to Pampers, I can drive straight down there on his next “business trip” and confront that bastard and his hussy in the act!  I just hope that I can find a babysitter to watch the kids for the next three days.”

Time Magazine Article On Ambition Goes Unread For 3rd Straight Month

Dallas, TX—Valerie Montgomery has been a Time Magazine subscriber for nearly two years.  Although she seldom reads the magazine, she began taking the weekly publication to "impress friends when they visit."  Generally, she receives the magazine in Monday's mail and then she proceeds to place it on her coffee table as a prop to illustrate her intellect to dinner party companions.  That is until the November 14, 2006 issue arrived baring the cover title, "Ambition.  A Surprising Look At What Separates Life's Go-Getters From Its Also-Rans."

"When I saw that title I knew I had to read the article," admits Montgomery.  "I've always wondered why I'm not further along in my career and I was kind of hoping that this article would shed some light on the subject."

Instead of placing the magazine on her downstairs coffee table she found it a home right beside her bedside.  Her plans:  To read the article and get her career on track.  Nearly 3 months later the plan has yet to manifest itself.

"I just haven't found the time to read it yet," admits Montgomery.  "I still totally plan to read it but every time I get close to picking it up I'll either look down and realize that I need a manicure or someone will call me.  I even dust the magazine once a week so that it stays in my consciousness and maybe one day I'll pick it up to read it."

Friends are not the least bit surprised by Montgomery's lack of ambition to read the article on ambition.

"That is so like Valerie," confesses friend Trish Parks.  "She can never finish anything.  Just two weeks ago she decided she was going to do the Hollywood Six Day Diet and she didn't even make it through lunch.  My bet is that she will never crack that magazine open."

Montgomery, however, disagrees.

"I am definitely going to read the magazine," she admits, "but I think I might wait until I'm on a flight or something where I have no choice but to read it."

Presidential Field Of Hopefuls Narrows To 537 Candidates As Guy In Idaho Announces Decision Not To Run

Boise, ID—The race for the presidency grew tighter late Monday after potential Libertarian candidate Karl Akerland formally announced his decision not to run.  Akerland, a Walmart assistant manager and one term Boise city council member, told a group of six dinner companions that he was officially abandoning his quest for the nation's highest office.

"After reviewing the field of candidates and assessing my chances I've decided that I will wait until 2012 to try again," Akerland told his friends after passing the dinner rolls at Maude's Good Eats on main street.  He added, "After closely reviewing my finances and name recognition I don't think I'll be able to raise the necessary 100 million dollars to win the race."

The news relieved those closest to Akerland.  Many longtime friends pointed out to him privately that although the like and respect him they didn't feel that $211 he has raised will be enough to win the eleciton.

"Karl is a great guy but he's a bit delusional," confessed longtime friend Paul McClusky.  "For him to think that he 'might not' have the name recognition to win is how naive he can be.  There are only 8 people on the city council and I'm pretty sure that two of them wouldn't even know his first name.  The call him the 'Unibomber' because of being a Libertarian."

News of Akerland's departure from the contest has officially brought the number to 537 candidates who are actively seeking the White House.  Akerland's exit from the field now moves former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack up one spot in the field of those running.

"This is great news for me," admitted Vilsack.  "Now that Akerland is gone I only have to beat out 536 more people and I'll be flying my ass around on Air Force One and boozing it up at Camp David.  Things are starting to look up for my campaign." 

Black Comedian Fails to Mention White People During Act

Addison, TX—Tyrone "T-Snap" Williams went up on stage at the Improv in Addison Thursday night confident that his new material would do well.  Williams, a favorite around The Improv, couldn't wait to do three new bits about delayed flights, running out of toilet paper while on the john, and his new daughter.

The Improv was packed as usual and T-Snap did his entire act with many laughs, but when he was finished and thanked the crowd for coming out, there was a collective confusion about what had taken place.  Within Williams
entire 15 minute set, the African-American comedian did not once mention white people.  A copy of his act, which was filmed by a camera phone, was uploaded to Youtube and has had over a million hits.

"I don't think it's a big deal," said Williams from his home. 
Apparently, it is a big deal.

"Man, all I want my brother comedians to do is stick it to Whitey," said Lashanda Berry, "I mean damn, how can you have a black man telling jokes without him taken down the man?"

A conspiracy theory quickly began to circulate that maybe a white man was behind it all. 

"No," said Williams, "I wrote it all myself, I just didn't have anything on white people this time around."

The Rev. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have both called on Williams to do his civic duty as black comedian. 

"It's how it is suppose to be," said Sharpton, "He could have at least thrown in a confused white expression whenever he mentioned 'bling' or other urban phrases."

A spokesman for The Improv said that the incident is a "non-issue" and Williams stands by himself and his material.  It isn't clear how much this could affect his career or the career of other black comedians.  The only thing the black community is saying is that "Whitey is at it again."

FROM OUR ARCHIVES:

February 16, 2006:  Man Cooks Valentine's Day Meal In Hopes Of Getting Laid