Source:  Alberto Gonzales Aims To Rise To Top Of Prepaid Legal Pyramid Following Resignation

Washington, DC—An anonymous source close to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales claims the nation's top cop is planning on returning to the private sector as an "associate" of Prepaid Legal.  Gonzales cites an "amazing opportunity" with a chance for "rapid advancement" as his reasons for joining the pyramid scheme.

"If I make one sale and get one person under me then every sale they make I'll also make money on," Gonzales was reported to have said.  "This means I could be making more than $100,000 a month.  That's more than enough money to pay for my mounting legal troubles in the senate.  Plus, since I will have already paid for my legal ahead of time I won't have to worry each time they parade me back in front of the Judiciary Committee."

Although Mr. Gonzales only resigned three days ago, staffers inside the White House and the Justice Department have already found it necessary to hide from the Attorney General to avoid the "all out sales pitch" of buying Prepaid Legal.

"Good God, if I hear one more word about Prepaid Legal I think I'm going to puke," admitted outgoing Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove.  "He keeps telling me I need to make legal plans for representation following the end of the president's term and he says this is the best plan.  He even tried to get me to sell this shit.  How pathetic does he think I am?"

Gonzales claims that his purpose isn't solely avaricious.

"There are going to be a lot of indictments coming up in the future and I'm just trying to get people in the mindset that a lot of people are going to prison.  Prepaid legal is the answer to all of their problems," Gonzales said.  "If I happen to make a little bit of money off of it, even better."

Yet To Be Released Hollywood Blockbuster Fails To Live Up To Expectations

Hollywood, CA—A recently greenlit untitled Hollywood film was savaged by potential movie goers on a recent film website putting the film's potential start date into question. The film, a political thriller which was to star Angelina Jolie and Denzel Washington, has been put on hold because of poor reviews of its byline. 

"Someone called me out of the blue and wanted to take a survey about movies," confessed Master Plumber Charles Reilly.  "I said sure and they asked if I would go to see a movie about a white woman who was running for president who was married to a black man.  I said no fucking way!"

Reilly was one of 1000 people who were polled of which more than 600 said they wouldn't go to see the picture.  The negative response prompted Sony to shelve the project before shooting a single foot of film.

"We do intensive research on every film and although when we read this script we felt it might be Oscar worthy, after asking average Americans their opinion of the film we decided against proceeding with the project," admitted VP of Development Art Horsey.  "It used to be that opening weekend meant everything but now you have to have good upfront numbers.  Meaning, if we call a random house in the United States would the occupants of that house go to see this potential movie?  The average Joe has to be into the idea from the very start otherwise we won't even give it a shot."

The stars of the films were shocked by the turn of events.

"I can't believe we're letting a plumber decide what movies we should make," admitted star Washington.  "I don't tell him how to unclog a pipe he shouldn't tell me what movies to make."

Jolie was slightly more optimistic.

"If the plumber doesn't think we should do the movie than maybe he's right," confessed Jolie.  "I am interested to see why he feels that way and most importantly, does he have a kid that I can adopt?"

Sony Pictures claims they will continue to use "polling" to determine all future projects.

Study Confirms Homosexuals Born Republican