VOLUME 5  ISSUE 22

16 AUGUST 2007
 

TOP STORY

 

IN THE NEWS

  
 

Low Military Enlistment Numbers Forces Condoleezza Rice To Join Active Duty

Washington, DC—For the first time since 1990 the United States military has failed to reach its enlistment goals causing alarm in the Department of Defense.  A growing opposition to the war has stretched the military thin and has forced Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to step in and fill the growing vacancies.   The White House said today that Rice is the first of the high ranking cabinet positions to do so and went on to say that President Bush expects other minority cabinet members to follow her lead.

 

"I believe in leading by example," claims the president.  "Condi needs to get her ass into the action so that she can be an example to other broke out of work black people.  If the people in the hood see her doing it then I think the other negros will follow and our recruitment numbers will grow and we can continue my war on terror."

 

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow dodged questions on Friday regarding whether or not this should be a sign to the president that the country disagrees with the war in Iraq and whether steps should be taken to withdraw from the region.

 

"Absolutely not," Snow said firmly.  "This, in fact, shows our resolve.  It proves we will do what is necessary to win this war on terror."

 

Snow was asked if he, too, intends to join the military ranks he quickly rejected the idea.

 

"I'm not a minority so there really would be no place for me," admitted Snow.  "I would love to serve but I do have to point out that I am white and I would stick out like a sore thumb in Iraq.  The best place that I can serve this country is here behind the fortified, heavily protected walls of the White House."

 

Snow did say that the president fully anticipated that Department of Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez, Department of Labor Secretary Elaine Chao, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and HUD Secretary Alphonso Jackson will also "chip in and do their part as minorities" by joining the active ranks of the military.

 

"I want the American public to know that our minority leaders are not afraid to get their hands dirty like the rest of average Americans," the president said while riding his $3,000 mountain bicycle.  "Now I'm going to go tackle that hill and work my quads.

 

Bully Gearing Up For New School Year of "Beating Ass"

Arlington, TX—Darren Jones knows that the new school year brings about a lot of excitement.  This year is no exception.  As he enters his 4th grade year at Billings Elementary School, he knows that now he is the oldest on campus.  For years he has been the top bully, but now, with his last year about to begin, he knows that he has to leave a lasting mark.

"I've been training all summer long," he said while he sits in his room after being grounded for throwing his little brother's toys in the toilet.

 

"It was a good off-season, but now I'm ready to end my tenure there with a bang," Jones said.

His summer training schedule was the most rigorous any bully has ever attempted but it seems the work ethic is going to pay off.  He spent most of his days at the community pool terrorizing kids in the bathroom and pushing them into the deep end.  He also added 22 pounds of solid fat by eating every lunch at McDonald's or Taco Bell.

"To be the best, you have to be the biggest," he said.

The next school year is already getting big buzz for both teachers and students who may be in Jones' path.  Teachers are beginning to get back to school and getting their student lists together.

 

"With Jones, we're putting his name in a hat with other blank pieces of paper," said Vice-Principal Sean Dumens.  "Whoever picks his paper will have him and the praying will begin."

Still Jones has high hopes for this year.  He has set personal goals to break many of the individual bullying records such as fastest suspension and quickest substitute quitter.

"I'll have a big year," he said, "Nothing else matters, but beating the crap out of everyone."

 

Austin Man Scores Reliable Drug Dealer

 

Austin, TX—Local pothead Rick Podgrast was thrilled nearly four months ago when he scored what he called "a reliable drug dealer."  Podgrast, a video store clerk and pot smoker for nearly ten years, has had difficulty securing a reliable purveyor of pot in his decade-long love affair for the substance and he had long since given up the idea that he could ever find someone who routinely provided him with the illegal substance.  Everything changed when a co-worker introduced him to DeMario Sanchez.

 

"Tommy Bender totally told me on our break at Premiere Video that he had a dude who he could score pot from any time and any place," said Podgrast.  "I was reluctant to say the least."

 

Podgrasts reluctance was quickly quelled when Bender reached Sanchez on his first call to the drug dealer and immediately placed an order for a dime bag.  The transaction was completed when Bender and Podcast arrived at Sanchez's home two hours later to purchase the pot.

 

"I don't know what it is about drug dealers but from my experience you really can't rely on them," claims Podgrast.  "No matter how many times you call, no matter how many orders you place you'll be lucky to score any weed one out of every ten times you try.  But with DeMario, that all changed.  He treats this as a business and I must say, it's really refreshing."

 

Sanchez admits that he takes pride in customer service and he strives to deliver top quality marijuana 24 hours a day at a reasonable price.  He also claims it was his own personal experience of the difficulty of getting marijuana that prompted him to start selling drugs.

 

"Drug dealers tend to be f*** ups," admitted Sanchez.  "I figured if I just gave even a little service I could make a fortune.  I'm here anytime anyone needs a little action and because of that I'm totally rolling in the Benjamins."

 

Podgrast was thrilled by his find.  After meeting Sanchez, he is now smoking nearly 15 bong hits per day.  The ubiquity of supply has forced Podgrast to work additional shifts at Premiere Video in order to finance his habit.  He claims that this is capitalism at it's best.

 

"It just proves what great commerce is all about," preaches Podgrast.  "Good service allows me to buy more product which, in turn, makes me work more shifts thereby I am contributing more to the American economy.  It's really a win-win for everyone."

 

Man's "Full House" DVD's Left in Plain View

Ft. Worth, TX—John Lee has always been a fan of "Full House," the surprising sitcom hit in the 90's that launched the careers of Bob Saget and the Olsen Twins.  What is even more surprising is that he doesn't hide from it.  He
embraces it.  Lee has collected all of the complete seasons on DVD that have been released to date and he is eagerly anticipating the next ones.

"I use to be embarrassed," he said.  "I would hide them in my sock drawer or blame it on my wife if someone ever saw them, but then I asked myself 'why?'"

He now leaves them out in the DVD holder with his regular guy flicks like "Goodfellas", "Scarface", and "Old School."

Recently, his friends came over to watch the first NFL pre-season game of the year and they found Lee watching season two's season finale.

"He wouldn't let us turn on the game until after it was over," said former friend Ty McBee.  "So we had to beat him down."

Recovering in his hospital room, all Lee wants is his "Full House" DVD's.  His hospital roommate has been transferred due to what was sighted as "too much gay in the room." 

 

Although Lee is recovering slowly he remains unusually optimistic about his prognosis. 

 

"I'll always have Jesse's hair and Joey's Bullwinkle impression to get me through this."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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