Denver, CO—After painstakingly reconstructing the MD-80 airliner that crashed upon landing in Denver last August, the NTSB determined the cause of the accident that destroyed the plane but injured only one.

The JetSav airliner crashed on a clear day with very little wind.  Many so-called experts immediately assumed pilot error. 

“Hell, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky and practically no wind, it must have been a major fuck-up by the pilot,” claimed so-called expert Jerry Paulson. 

“We have conclusive evidence that the cause of the crash was not pilot error as previously believed,” reported a statement released Monday by the NTSB. 

According to the report the cause of the crash was a ‘Seat back not returned to its full and upright position’.

“This is a senseless, preventable accident,” claimed Nathan Eddleberg, NTSB Director of Public Relations.  “Some asshole in 19B is pissed off because he’s in a middle seat and feels he doesn’t have to listen to the flight attendants.”

“I remember the guy in 19B,” says Senior Flight Attendant Annie Wrathsko,  “A real schmuck.  I didn’t see it but according to the lady next to him, after I asked him to put his tray up and bring his seat back up he reclined it when I turned my back.  What a fool, he could’ve killed us all.  We don’t require you do those things for our health…actually, we do…I mean if you think about it…you get my point, the asshole should’ve done what I asked,” continued an angry Wrathsco.  “To tell you the truth, I’m glad he’s the only one who got hurt.   Serves him right.”

According to the black box recording the pilot was doing everything in his power to maintain control of the aircraft.  The following is a partial transcript of the voice cockpit recorder data recovered at the scene.

Flight 157:  Denver, flight 157 requesting final approach.

Control Tower:  Flight 157 clear.

Flight 157: Roger

Flight 157: 10% flap, reduce engine by…what the fuck!!!  The rudder is not responding.  Holy shit the flap aren’t flapping…good God, I think someone’s seat back is not in the…

Hollywood, CA—It has been estimated that more than a quarter of the country’s 2.4 million bee colonies have been lost and no one can say what is causing the bees to fail to return to their hives until now.  According to Variety, a daily newspaper for the entertainment industry, the bees have been recruited by Jerry Seinfeld to work as consultants and actors on his upcoming film, “Bee Movie” which is creating a lot of “buzz” in Hollywood.

“It’s an animated movie about a disgruntled bee taking on New York and I wanted to movie to feel real,” explained Mr. Seinfeld.  “I have queens, workers and drones working side by side with cab drivers, homeless people and pretentious NYU students.  Recruiting tens of billions of bees to help out was the only way we could do this movie right and I apologize for causing any concern.”

The bee is a very important insect when it comes to the human food chain due to its ability to pollinate hundreds of fruits, vegetables, flowers and nuts.  But a queen bee from South Dakota believes that bees have had a P.R. problem in the past and have been greatly underappreciated.

“Over the years, people have heard story after story about killer bee swarms coming from other countries to destroy the United States.  That’s just not true.  We’re not some group of terrorists wearing yellow and black outfits, we’re hard workers like you!  Just ask any entomologist.  And if one of us occasionally stings someone, trust me, it’s out of self-defense.  Just try not to walk on the grass without your shoes or steal from our hive.  Yes, I’m talking to you Winnie the Pooh!  Listen, we have only wanted to pollinate your crops and make some honey for everyone to enjoy and we feel that working on Jerry’s film will help to repair our damaged image with the general public.  Don’t worry, we’ll be back to work soon.”

Elaine Foster, a leading entomologist at Penn State, hopes that is true.