VOLUME 5  ISSUE 10

18 APRIL 2007

TOP STORY

IN THE NEWS

Alberto Gonzales Prepares To Spend More Time With His Family

Washington, DC—An anonymous source inside the White House claims that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is strongly considering taking serious steps to start spending more time with his family.   The source also went on to say that the move by nation's top law enforcer has nothing to do with his mounting legal troubles.

"The attorney general just feels that he has been negligent in his family duties and he feels that now would be a good time to start paying the proper attention to his family," the anonymous source stated.  "Privately, he has told me that his wife has 'really been on his ass' to cut back on the work."

The move has been widely derided by critics who claim that this is only a lame attempt to explain away his almost certain resignation.

"The White House knows he's finished, the Congress knows he's finished and America knows he finished.  This is the White House's way of trying to act like this was anything but a firing," Senate Leader Harry Reid stated.  "But we Americans know that this is nothing short of a firing."

The White House quickly countered Senator Reid by claiming that President Bush has "full confidence" in the attorney general.

"The president has full faith in Alberto Gonzales," White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said Thursday.  "The president is just a little worried because all the attorney general has been talking about lately is his family, going to Bar B Q's and attending his kid's soccer games.  The president has just seen signs that Mr. Gonzales' heart just might not be in this lawyering thing any more."

Gonzales is said to be ready to make his decision immediately following his senate hearings scheduled for Thursday.  His family is urging him to stay on.

"He's either going to be snooping into the lives of regular Americans or he is going to be snooping into mine.  I vote for America," claimed his son.

World Officially Runs Out Of Super Hero Names

Area Man Set To Net $12 Million To Assist Nigerian Prince In Escaping Country

Edgecliff Village, TX—Dan Frostman bragged to friends late Wednesday when he admitted that he has invested $10,000 in a business opportunity that could yield him upwards of 12 million dollars.  Frostman, an account executive for The Ranch radio station, claims he was contacted by an an Nigerian prince begging for assistance to help him secure a large inheritance and to help the prince leave his war torn country.  In exchange for his assistance, Frostman claims he was offered nearly 20% of the 60 million dollar fortune.

"This is going to be the easiest $12 million dollars I've ever made in my life," Frostman admitted.  "I have been saving this money for nearly 5 years just waiting for an opportunity like this and here it just popped right into my life.  The guy contacted me on the internet.  I feel so lucky that he found me.  We forged a bond right away."

Frostman wired $10,000 to a securities company, Finance, Residuals And Underwriters Division, late last week in an effort to secure the 60 imillion dollars in jewels and cash.  Although he has yet to hear anything back from the Nigerian prince he is not concerned.

"I'm sure he's just trying to get his ducks in a row before he decides to contact me," an elated Frostman exclaimed.  "But when he does, the two of us are going to party here in America like he's never partied before.

Friends and family of Frostman admit to being very disturbed by his naiveté and they have even been reluctant to inform him that this is most certainly a scam.

"Dan is very easily duped," admits his brother Don.  "When I was little I convinced him a quarter was worth more than a five dollar bill because it was made of metal and a fiver was made of paper.  I traded him a dollar in quarters for four of the five dollar bills my grandmother had given him.  He's really kind of a dumbass.  I've exploited him my whole life, I guess, why shouldn't someone else?"

Frostman is still remaining positive about his new millionaire status.  He claims that the prince has informed him that the money is about to be delivered to him in Texas as soon as he gets $5,000 in additional monies to get the stipend through customs. 

5 Year Old Can't Color Worth A Shit

Ft. Worth , TX—5 year old Wes Lee came home from pre-school and gave his mother a picture of what was to be a bird landing on a house.  The proud mom placed the picture on the refrigerator for everyone to see.  She thought it was great that her little buddy tried so hard to color the picture.  She spent the rest of the day in awe and wonderment about what great things little Wes would accomplish when he grew up.  That lasted until her husband came home.

Greg Lee came home around 6 from the construction site and went straight to the fridge for a cold one.  He stopped dead in his tracks.

"My first thought was 'What the F*($% is this S&%#," said Greg, "It was the worst damn picture I'd ever seen."

He told his wife to come into the kitchen and asked her about the picture.  Mrs. Lee smiled grandly and said their son had made it at pre-school.  Greg wasn't at all impressed.

"No son of mine is going to make a fruity picture and then color it all to hell with no sense of artistic vision," he said.

When asked if he himself had any artistic vision, Greg replied, "Hell no, which makes it even worse because a picture has to suck if I think it sucks."

Wes seems to be undaunted by his father's ridicule as he continues to color and draw, not just on paper, but on walls, floors, and other people.

"He's very expressive," his mother says proudly.

"I'm going to be expressive all over his ass and paint it red with hand marks if he doesn't knock that shit off," says a disappointed father.