VOLUME 5  ISSUE 9

11 APRIL 2007
 

TOP STORY

 

IN THE NEWS

  
 

Fortune Cookie Lottery Numbers Fail To Net Jackpot

 

Dubuque, IA—Longtime lottery player Gwen Deutmeyer continued her losing lottery streak Wednesday after her fortune cookie lottery numbers only netted her one number in the weekly drawing.  On average Deutmeyer plays nearly $100 per week in the bi-weekly drawing and after nearly two years of playing she has only guessed three numbers on a couple of rare occasions.

 

"I was at the end up my rope when it came to picking numbers," a drunk Deutmeyer admitted.  "One afternoon I was at lunch with a couple of my girlfriends and I cracked open my fortune cookie and there they were...a set of lottery numbers staring me in the face.  I figured this must be a sign from God."

 

Ms. Deutmeyer quickly made her way to the nearest Grab and Go and decided to play the numbers.  Deutmeyer waited anxiously at home alone for the Saturday night drawing clearly convinced that she would net the big prize.

 

"I was so certain I was going to win that I called my boss late Friday and I told him I probably wasn't going to be at work on Monday due to a sickness that was coming on," Deutmeyer admitted.  "When he said 'what kind of sickness?' I told him I was f***ing sick of working there, Deutmeyer said with a smile."

 

At 10:02 PM Saturday night, Ms. Deutmeyer quickly started regretting the call.

 

"The fortune cookie numbers sucked," an exasperated Deutmeyer claimed.  "I only got one number and that is because I accidentally put the wrong number on my lottery sheet.  My fortune cookie said to pick 8 and I accidentally picked a 3.  Technically, I would have missed every number.  I knew I should have known better than to trust the Chinese."

 

After coming to terms with her humiliating lottery loss, Deutmeyer profusely apologized to her employer for what she called "a complete brain fart" and she pleaded for her job back.  She has reluctantly been given her old job back however to make amends for her tirade she now has to work Saturdays for the next 3 months.

 

Deutmeyer took the punishment in stride.  "At least I won't have to stay home on Saturdays and watch the lottery."

 

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Asshole Is Given His Stolen Identity Back

 Bend, OR—One day after Peter Atkinson realized that his identity had been stolen, it was returned to him. “Identity Cloning” is a form of identity theft that uses another person’s information to assume his or her identity in daily life and is the suspected method used by an anonymous thief after Mr. Atkinson’s wallet was discovered missing.

”I was trying to pay for my meal at Merenda’s the other night when I realized that my wallet was gone,” explained Mr. Atkinson. “It’s an elegant cognac Bosca alligator wallet which is very expensive.  It cost me well over $500.00.  I also lost all of my platinum and titanium credit cards and I'll bet that it was one of the illegal help working at the restaurant that stole
it."

"He accused me of sneaking into the country and then stealing from him," a waiter working at the restaurant said.  He started yelling at me in front of everyone and told me that I should get back on whatever banana boat brought me here.  I didn't know what the hell he was talking about.  I'm a 22-year old Irish Catholic who was born in Scranton, PA!"

Peter is an attorney and considered to be a giant asshole by everyone that knows him, including Maria Jestings.

"He's always talking about himself and all the expensive things that he owns.  I dated him for about a month because I thought that he was cute, even though he wasn't very nice to people.  But then one night at dinner he told me that I would be a lot hotter if I got a "boob job."  I walked out and never talked to him again."

But the day after the incident, Peter received a package in the mail that contained the wallet, all of its contents and a note that read:

"Peter, I tried to be you for one day and realized that I would rather be a criminal for the rest of my life."

 

Coffee Shop In Santa Fe Doesn't Relieve Man's Stress

 Santa Fe, NM—Michael Pulliam was stressed out at work. He was a CPA and with the tax deadline looming back in 2006 he was at the end of his rope.  Family life was stressful because he was always at work and it was a constant bombardment of clients trying to get extra tax breaks.  Pulliam needed to get out.

"I always heard the saying about people opening a shop in Santa Fe," says Pulliam, from his new CPA job desk, again looking stressed out with this new tax season deadline looming.   "So I decided to try it out."

He packed up his family and opened up a shop in downtown Santa Fe.  What he found was that hundreds of other stressed out folks had already done the same thing. He had a feeling his coffee shop, "The Grounds Up," was in
trouble.

3 weeks later he was back in Ft. Worth, TX trying to find another accounting job.

 

"It just didn't work out I guess."

 Santa Fe is believed to be the "Seattle of the Southwest" and all the tranquility that once blessed this small enchanting town nestled in the Sandia Mountains seems to be grounded up into strong espresso shots.  The dream seems to be gone.

  
   

 

 

  

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